#2243
velvet
Moderator

Dear B
Please, please do not get stuck into the semantics of the addiction to gamble – you have lived with it and you are now living with a man who is newly out of rehab.   Leave the psycho-babble to others.   It often crops up on the site, in both forums, goes round and round in circles and gets nowhere – let those who want to study it unemotionally give it names.   What is professionally believed today can change tomorrow – what you have lived was reality and whatever name it is given it still hurt just the same.  
I went through the stage of wanting to make sense of the senseless.   I was fortunately that my CG was on hand to tell me to leave it alone.    It is how it affects us and what we do about it that ****** – not what it is called.   
I started off going to reply to your penultimate post but your latest post rather negates the one before.  
I think your conversation where he says he doesn’t care how you feel, ending up with him asking you how you feel if actually very good.   He did start off his ‘change’ process with no space for your feelings but you have talked about it and his honesty was great.   However, having been honest he then asked you how you did feel.   That to me is him moving a bit further into becoming empathetic, an emotion he has not felt before.   He didn’t ask you in the ‘first’ place – he asked you when he had thought about it, when a new though had been pointed out to him on his road of discovery.  
There will be many ***** when you will feel, I think, that he has no thought for your feelings – ***** when he has to tighten up on his control.  Betwixt ***** though he will gradually move forward – there is a lot for him to learn.
Be honest with yourself – are you willing to take intelligent risks in order to succeed? would it really matter if baby Berber cried a bit more when he was left with his Dad for a time?   My daughter always freaked out that her husband didn’t put his son’s coat on when it was cold – he grew up fine and strong but it caused terrific rows between them.     You have had a period of time alone with baby B and daddy B has some catching up to do – lots to learn.  Sorry if this is beginning to sound like Goldilocks?  
Do you discuss finances with him in a way he can understand, or is it ‘I want a CD?’ – ‘no you can’t there is no money’ (pregnant pause while he is left to work out why).   Brutally it can sound as though the addiction if being chucked up.  Tantrums are not pleasant but they need to be dealt with differently post-rehab.   Stopping gambling does not a perfect person make.   My CG is impetuous and I worried about it post-rehab but when I stopped to think I realised I was too.   He wants things he can’t afford – so do I.   What he learned is that he cannot have everything and to accept it – that is the difference – his desire is still there but I believe that has to be learned.   Perhaps you could talk about something you would like and discuss a time-scale for when you could afford it, so he can see that you impose the same restraints on yourself.
Your husband missed out on the swimming because he is treating his addiction seriously and you have been out for dinner.   In my view you are both doing well and your ups and downs are natural and to be expected.  
I am casting about for a quote about happiness – how about this?   With confidence we can be happy with our achievements and optimistic for our future.  
Keep smiling at each other – there is no greater revenge on the addiction.
V