Thanks Carole for your post.. I love all those animals you feed, i love animals too and for some periods of my life i pretty much just had animals in my life and not people. I am feeling better about things with each passing day. I have a full day planned today, fun for the little family. Then later tonight hopefully i can go to a meeting. I am starting to feel a little more energetic i was so exhausted after this relapse i literally could not move. I went to work and came home and had to just *** down. Before and after work, i couldnt move and i used every ounce of energy to work. I wanted to stay home but i need the money and i dont like letting the boss down. I am really looking forward to a few days off and i feel this is going to help me get my bounce back. I have a plan in my mind. I want to start the de cluttering process. For me when i do this i am always getting toward a healthier state of mind. I weighed myself, im still the heaviest i have been and i have a plan for that, just simple walking. I am to do it a couple of ***** a week and go for a long walk near the water and birds, it makes me feel calm and relaxed and used to be my way of coping with stress till i found those dreaded machines. Machines that will hopefully be in the past now. I feel a new found freedom.. cant quite explain it just that I dont see me going back to the madness. I honestly dont think i would survive it. My relapses dont go for a few hours, they go for months on end of madness and being totally out of control.. it destroys me. To be totally honest if i could go once every now and then i would but i do know, after six years that this is never going to be the case.. I dont think i ever got step one.. no amount of literature, counsellors, sponsors, meetings, advice ever got me to step one. The pain i experienced got me to accept step one this time absolutely without reservation. I dont be***ve i would have stopped any other way. I do feel repulsed at the thought of going back. Thats gotta be good. Usually it would have faded by now and i would be back in my delusional thoughts of maybe this time i can just take a little and i will be fine and just have some entertainment. Its kind of embarrassing that i still had those thoughts after six years of proving to myself otherwise. I guess it is what it is though and thats what happened in my journey. I be***ve the only way out of my problem is to have experienced the suffering and absolute despair i felt this time. It totally shattered my ability to get through a normal day and my mental health plummeted to a scary low that i never want to see again.. I can see how this addiction sends people to institutions. I never want to feel the level of insanity that i felt again. Recovery has no comparison to relapsing. Recovery is just going to be my way of life and i will deal with the ups and downs as they come. I have a good counsellor who i trust and feel comfortable with. Today will be a good day. The clouds are shifting and i can see sunshine coming into my life. I need to be my own miracle.
P
