I cut myself off before I was finished because he came in and stood over my shoulder for a few seconds, and I immediately tensed up and quickly switched to something else. I know I shouldn’t hide it. He should see my true feelings, but any mention of his issue to anyone else, and he plays the victim and sees it as a license to talk about me to everyone else.
I didn’t think I would admit this when it happened, but a few days ago, he did get physical. Granted, we were being sarcastic "half joking" to each other and my remark before he put his hands on me was "no one is scared of you". He rushed over and grabbed my face in his hand – hard. And squeezed. I tried to physically push him away, but he was standing over me and I was sitting. He was laughing. I was not. I was kicking and trying to push him off of me, but he held my arms down and kept laughing. My lip was split, but not bleeding, he walked away and sat across the room in his normal spot and then belittled me for half an hour about how I have no sense of humor and can’t take a joke and I’m no fun and he didn’t hurt me on purpose. The truth is, he has a history of domestic violence that I wasn’t even aware of until about a month ago. His excuses are of course that these women falsely accused him and claimed he had hit them, but I can see now that he’s completely capable of physical abuse, and its just a matter of time before it happens to me.
Of course, when I bring that up, I get the whole "Oh my GOD I’m not abusive, my ex wife even told you so". I’m rolling my eyes so hard right now.
What I don’t get is why things like this happen to good people. I consider myself a good person. 99 out of a hundred *****, I will think of the ***** of others, before thinking of my own…and I get **** on. The simple solution it seems, would be to stop thinking about everyone else and learn to be selfish, but I genuinely doubt my ability to do that. Its just not in my nature. I’m a Pisces, A mother, and a sister who raised two siblings without a father in the house and with a mother who was barely there because she had to work 3 jobs to take care of us. I see these narc***istic abusive men that stomp on people’s feelings and treat people like garbage, and things just seem to magically work out for them. People say that "everything happens for a reason" but I’m starting to feel like the truth is that the world is just a ****ed up place! I used to believe in Karma, but in my own life, so far the only karma has been that I’m good to people and get treated badly in return.
I feel like such a cry baby for writing all of this out. It must seem like I have my head stuck deeply up my own ***. lol I guess it just is what it is…tomorrow’s a new…however predictable…day..and maybe a great job offer will come in so I can leave yet another failed relationship behind. :/ Ugh. Thanks for listening.