Well, I went to sleep last night in the other room, he knocked on the door a couple ***** and made some sarcastic comments, but for the most part, he ignored me and I eventually fell asleep sometime before the sun came up today. I woke up to a text message that he had bought me coffee creamer and a pack of cigs “even though I’m not talking to him”. I wrote back “thank you” and there was no more conversation between us until about 2PM when he finally called.
I stayed calm. Told him I really feel like I have to do what’s right for myself and for my children and that the way things are right now is not how I can live any longer. He asked if I would be here when he got home and I said yes. I told him that there is too much life to live, too much fun to have, too many memories to make, and we were not participating. I said that if I’m going to feel invisible, I’m going to do it alone. Not next to someone that claims to love me. His final response was that I needed to do what I think is best for me. Being near the end of the upteenth book I’ve read in order to occupy my mind since things got to this level, I asked him if he would mind taking me to the library. We went on a pretty wordless trip there and back, went into our separate rooms and since then, he has ignored me completely.
I’m not sure if its pouting, if its him trying to show he doesn’t care in hopes that I come begging for forgiveness for whatever perceived slight I’m apparently guilty of, or if the truth is that he indeed is not affected in the least. All he’s doing is proving to me that my observations are spot on correct. That I deserve better than this and that things are not going to change until he sees himself. I’ve had to stop myself from trying to open up a dialogue, from my own desire to want attention from him or from making my own smartass comments – I’m trying my best to be strong.
This is only Day 1 of my Mission for Change. (I think that’s what I’ll call it. I have to breathe life into it. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m doing the right thing, I can’t be weak. This is for the best.) The hopeless romantic in me keeps picturing him walking into the other room, sitting next to me and spilling out his feelings. Telling me he can’t stand another minute without me and that he’s going to commit to recovery. My silly imagination.
San, thank you for the suggestion. I added her page to my facebook and I also went online and took a narcissist test to see if maybe I’m the one with the problem. I failed. I scored extremely low and according to that test I don’t have any fun diagnosis at all to blame this on. :/ I hated it though because most of the things I could answer no to for myself, were resounding “yesses” when I applied them to him. I don’t want that to be so. I want the person I met to come back and prove to me that I’m completely wrong.
With all the ignoring that’s going on right now, thoughts and fears that I’m “doing this” to a good man and “hurting him” for no reason keep creeping up in my brain. I’m trying to fight those thoughts. He’s been snoring and eating for 6 hours since he got home. The man is not suffering TOO bad, obviously. Funny you should mention a “spy programme”. That’s the kind of **** my last husband pulled (very early in our relationship) and stupid me..I married the guy anyway. My CG knows very little about computers. No worries there. A huge part of me wants him to know every word I say. Really its nothing I haven’t said to him. He just doesn’t care. If he’s hearing me at all, he’s not showing it.
Velvet…If I’m completely honest with myself, I have to admit a large part of me does feel some relief. Telling him the truth (I don’t trust him) and making a promise that I will no longer say a word if he gambles himself into a mountain of debt – it’s now solely on his shoulders is DEFINITELY relieving. I can sense that he can see that I’m being very serious. This isn’t an empty threat this time, and I believe he’s testing the waters to see if I’ll give in..so while its relieving, it also feels fragile. I’m trying to relay a no tolerance attitude to someone while living under the same roof, remaining calm, and ignoring my loneliness. I miss the guy. I can’t help it.
I have no fear that he will ever try to physically harm me. It was an isolated incident and I think his impulse control has been ruined by his addiction. Separation from him physically – even across the house has taken away a majority of his control and I’m truly not concerned about him ever putting his hands on me in anger. He hasn’t gambled all day and all night since he’s been home. I’m sure its more to try to prove some kind of a point to me than anything else. I guess he really doesn’t get it.
Debbie, thank you. It sounds like you’re headed in a good direction yourself. As funny as it sounds, having my own “half of the house” feels a little liberating in and of itself. I hope things go well with the new guy you’re seeing. I miss the initial stage of “love” very much, and I envy those 30 year marriages where two people are even more in love today than they were when they first met. That’s what I want for myself. And that’s what I truly thought I found this time. A real future…
But I digress..today is only Day 1, as I said and so far, I’ve been strong. Maybe this little mission of mine will be what it takes to start an actual change…maybe not. No matter which way he goes though, I can no longer let him drag me down with him. I love him enough to let him go and learn on his own and I am beginning to have a little bit more love for myself. All is not lost.
Thank you all again for listening and giving me such great feedback. This place truly is a God-send.