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#16961
mt4years
Participant

TY to everyone who gave me a welcome and let me know that recovery is possible.  I have been continuing to go to meetings, and a gambling counselor who has helped me to see that I was trying to get the attention and strike back at my spouse when I was made to feel abandoned.  I know that I need to fix myself and not my significant other.  I am still looking for courage as it seems that around every corner I run into an obstacle.  I will continue to press myself as I know I am worth it; but I did have a major stumble … about three weeks ago.  I will share this and it is painful.
My husband was on vacation for a week so I left caring for my mother to stay with him for a few days to work on our relationship and damage to our home and finances.  While working around the home, I was on an extension ladder painting most of the day.  I moved it after we had lunch to a very difficult position and did not secure it properly.  At least I didn’t GAMBLE … but I fell between 10-12 feet on my back on our deck and fractured my back in 3 places, broke some ribs, huge laceration in my arm needing like 15 stitches and was rushed in to the trauma center.  Four days, and this was three weeks ago.  They did not do surgery, nor cast, but felt my back will heal if I can let it without reinjury.  So I have spent 3 weeks fighting pain, and trying to rest.  It’s difficult and all I can think is it’s God’s way of slowing me down to focus on my life and lifestyle.  I have almost 90 days w/o gambling and my family has been there for me and I am so thankful. 
Now, what to do about what sent me to the machines in the first place.  My home life is not giving me what I need emotionally, spiritually, etc. etc. so I don’t want to go home and be right back where I started.  I moved out once for 6 months, returning to promises that have fallen by the wayside and hearing every day how ‘WE DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY’ and I saw the neatest _ _ _ _ _   (insert anything), if we had the money, we could  …..  I spent years and years in support of my partner’s hobbies and collections, restoring antique boats, guns, guitars, clothes, shoes (I KNOW he’s a shopaholic and / or OCD) and that I’m sure is partially why I snapped and decided to throw it all at the machines.  How do I move forward in the face of this. 
Really missed visiting GT, but I have lots of pain to sit and type … but I wanted to thank everyone who has encouraged me to stick with it and use the GT resources …   I will keep at it !    On the EDGE of Hope