I read you post and was going to answer it when someone came to the door. When I came back Jenny had replied with her usual terrific support and ideas.
You say you hate his addiction and not him and I understand this only too well – he probably doesn’t like what he has become either.
A coping mechanism that has worked for many of us to communicate with a CG,without losing our cool is to imagine his addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps.
Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and from then on it controls the situation because it is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak which knows only lies and deceit and seeks to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that I loved him, his addiction distorted his mind into hearing that I was ***** because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure. The addiction is all about failure – there is no love. However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.
The above is not the professional approach but many of us have found it helped.
You have asked your husband to leave three ***** in the last six months – how did he win you over to let him back? I am really not judging as I did everything wrong for all the right reasons for far too many years. Are you telling him to leave finally or are you really asking that he leave and sort himself out so that he can come back? His addiction knows how to wheedle its way back.
By allowing him to return still with his addiction in control of him, please believe me I cannot judge – you are enabling his addiction. Has he gone this time? It is important when you threaten that you mean what you say 100% because his addiction uses threats to manipulate you and therefore he will know how to play you like a fiddle – just as you have said.
am bringing my thread “the F&F Cycle” up to the top for you to have a look at, so that you know I understand. I hope it helps. ‘We’ have the ability to break the cycle and we do it by looking at the way we treat our loved with this addiction in a different way.
Keep posting and looking after ‘you’