Thank you all so much for your rep***s, they are received with gratitude and are a reinforcement to what I am thinking. I guess the best way to put it is that I know and feel more importantly that I just don’t love him any more, not in the way that I would want to or need to for things to ever stand a chance again between us with changes or otherwise.
Its just not there any more and that won’t change for me and I think he will know that to. When I said there is hope for him but not for us, I meant exactly that I would like to think that he will change his life and we know that he could if he wanted to enough, but I no longer want to be a part of his life or him to be a part of mine. It is a different feeling than before and one that ****** him out even if he works for a recovery.
Its not so hard to let go now that I have more fulfilling things in my life that I have worked so hard to achieve and that are giving me focus and direction in my life – like my boys. I am already more happy than sad although I have no doubt that sadness can linger a while.
I can make plans without fear of the next bombshell or worrying about the ***** of others and how I need to respond or react to the next crisis. I can have friends without it crossing my mind that he may try to get money from them etc etc .
I no longer question my own be***fs or manage my own distrust or scepticism as to what I am being told, is there a recovery or isn’t there. What is a *** and what is the truth, I just don’t have to think it or think in that way now and the re***f is enormous.
Going back for a moment for the last time I think the real killer for me was a few months ago when he had returned home and then said that he was depressed this escalated in to him saying that he was suicidal. Immediately afterwards he turned off his phone and I started to panic despite good advice and my own better instincts. Some days later it got the better of me and I contacted the police who tracked him down and yes he was fine or should I say not dead. I had very nearly worried myself into an early grave and it made me physically ill as it was on top of a load of other stuff I had going on.
He was just too selfish to send a text, a call just to say I’m ok. It was all a ruse or probably the symptom of a gambling episode. The fact that he was willing to do this was the beginning of the end for me. I don’t want a relaitionship where one can do that to another for any reason. I be***ve it was quite a calculated move on his part and I did not feel quite the same again about things.
I am vulnerable and the hatches are down – but just to him and other dubious characters. He has made me a stronger person although this would not have been his intent I dare say. I also have some hatches to open – carefully !!
I think the sad moment for me was coming across the mask of himself that he made in GH which he wanted me to have, it was weird in the sense that I thought at first – yeah !! I really never knew who you were either. It was one of my most treasured possessions and has the ability to turn into something that I feel a strong urge to poke with a very large pin. I sat him on my dressing table, glared at him, thought about throwing him away and noticed that even the mask can look different from different angles and at different ***** dependent on my own ***** or feelings at the time, so he is currently confined to the memory box in danger of being transferred to the ‘too difficult’ box at least he is no longer appearing to observe me  ( I hope that doesn’t sound like I’ve finally lost the plot ).
Not going anywhere for a while !!
Jenny x
 We see things not as they are, but through how we are today x