#1969
velvet
Moderator

 
Dear Nite
My goodness if the addiction to gamble didn’t make you cry sometimes, you would not be human.   The ability to stop crying, when confronting the addiction, comes after a while when you begin to make some sort of sense of the senseless and realise that your tears feed the addiction and are futile – this does not come overnight although you are learnng it very quickly.    
The addiction is often called the dirty secret and I’m glad you shared with your mother.   It was understandable that her initial reaction was judgemental – learning to be non-judgemental is part of our recovery.   How much easier it would be to see ‘them and us’ as ‘good and bad’ but it isn’t like that and that wretched ‘love’ does get in the way.
The other reason it is good to tell others is that when a CG loses their initial enablement they often borrow (with no hope of paying back) from other family members and friends and then the mess becomes even bigger.
Making the divine dinner says it all – you are doing fantastically and I do know it doesn’t feel like it.  
Below this forum is the Friends and Family topic forum where we have focussed on specific issues that relate to most forum members.   Whilst looking for further ways forward you might something there.  Perhaps you could add to it, it helps direct me to the areas you are struggling with most.
The apology you got is unusual – maybe it was in readiness for the next manipulation but it comes after you denied him enablement and that is a feather in your cap.  
Our new member bjbuzzy, in the post above suggests you try and support and not be judgemental. I always appreciate CGs who are working on their recovery, or are in control of their addiction, writing to us but support can mean different things depending in which half of the addiction you are standing.    Support for a CG, in Friends and Family is to look after yourself first. My CG who is enjoying a long recovery explained that the more wreckage there if from the addiction the harder it is to face it.   You are showing your husband that you are not rolling over and allowing his addiction to take you down with it.   Only in recovery will he truly appreciate this – until then his addiction will fight and it is tough.
I have brought up a thread I wrote some time ago, called ‘the F&F cycle’ and I hope it helps.  
Cry in this forum Nite, vent your anger here, leaving you as cool and as calm as possible to fight this unseen enemy. I am not saying that you should not tell your husband that you have feelings as a result of his addiction and that you need recovery – because you have and you do.   You don’t deserve to have this addiction destroying your life.   You need support with your very young children and you won’t be getting it because your husband is not taking responsibility for his own life yet – never mind yours.   What I would hope is that you will be able to stand back and make informed decisions on what you want and what you will do and not allow his addiction to pull the strings – I don’t want you walking on eggshells.  I have sayings on my wall beside me, one of which is ‘I have often regretted my speech but never my silence’.   This does mean I am silent but I have learned that I can understand more by listening and it has made a difference to everything I do.
You ask what more you can do.   Allow yourself time for you – you need your self-esteem and confidence restored which his addiction will have badly dented.   The killer dinner was brilliant and would have confused his addiction.   I can hear you growing in strength in such a short time and I am sure his addiction will be hearing it too.   Never forget you are the stronger – you can control your life.   You are doing what ***** to be done and I applaud you.
Velvet