Dear Callie
I thought when I read your post that you had found a page of mine and re-written it. I voiced all those ‘why’s so often but no answer was forthcoming until I had come to terms with his addiction and my part in it. If your partner’s addiction had the guts to speak it would answer ‘why not – I am addiction, I will ***** everything from you if you let me. I will ***** your dignity, your self-belief, your ability to trust, your strength and just give me a chance – your soul.’
I am not offering an excuse for addiction but I am offering the reason why your partner does what he does. His head is stuffed full of an illogical addiction that is unable to reason. It is selfish, destructive and corrosive – it knows no boundaries and cares not one iota for you, what colour you are, or religion or how many children you have – it is the Addiction to Gamble and it is your enemy.
It is not known why one person has an addiction and another does not. For us it is simply ‘don’t go to the bookmaker’. For the person with the propensity for an addiction there might have been one or two trips to the casino, race, course, card game and sadly probably a so called ‘win’ when the addiction saw the warm haven in which it could dwell and reek its hate. The addiction is like a head full of water with no room for empathy, honesty, self-esteem, love. If the addicted person can recognise they have a problem and accept it, they can seek the right help from those who can show them how to tip a bit of that water out and replace it with honesty and love then. Provided they are dedicated, they can empty their heads although the propensity to gamble will always be there. When you speak to your partner and ask ‘why’ it is again as though the words have travelled through water and become distorted. His addiction answers – not your partner. If it feels threatened it knows which buttons to push and if we are not strong enough to stand up to that addiction speaking to us then we become it’s victims too.
The thoughts go round and round in our heads, faster and faster and if we are not careful we implode and then the fall out is terrible. I am glad that you are releasing your thoughts and I hope you will continue to do so. I think it is important though that you allow the thoughts of ‘your recovery’ to come in.
Your partner’s addiction believes it holds you in it’s sway. I really, really know how difficult it is to do what is right for you but detachment from this addiction is vital to your well-being, your daughters and ultimately to your partner.
I cannot tell you what to do but I would hope that you never bail him out again. When we enable we are sorting out the addiction’s debts, taking responsibility away from the CG and loading it upon ourselves. CGs need to take responsibility for their lives if they are to live in control of their addiction.
I’m not sure whether it is the addiction or the CG who cries ‘sorry’. I wanted to believe it was the person I loved and not his addiction. I forgave because of ‘my’ need to forgive and ‘my’ need to trust. It is good to detach ‘our’ ***** for them. We need to learn about the addiction’s capabilities so that we can make informed decisions and survive.
You want a life with your partner and daughter that is ‘normal’ but unless there is a change you will continue in the cycle that you are describing and it does get worse. The only person listening is ‘you’. The only person you can change is you. You have done nothing wrong but you can make a difference.
You said that your partner was considering GH and it is worth encouraging even if it does mean he is away for 6 months. Believe me it goes quickly because during that time you will be finding yourself. As an incentive to him to change his life, it would be good perhaps if you were less selfless and became detached. His addiction ***** to hear that in you it has met its match. You are not going to live with it. You have to believe it, mean it and never threaten until you do believe it and mean it.
You cannot make your partner stop gambling, you cannot save him but you can make his addiction ‘know’ that you have had enough. The most important weapon in the hands of this addiction is the mind of the enabler. Withdraw your mind and take it back under your control. There is no need for rows and tears. Show a strength that bewilders the addiction and is determined.
I would not write if I did not know that this addiction can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. Your post is next to Davien and Double H – witnesses that what I am saying is true. It isn’t easy but it can be done and the rewards are priceless.
I hope some of this helps but please keep posting
Loads of Love
Velvet ***********************
