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Hi Bettie:
My screen name is Cully21. I offer you a warm welcome here and I am glad you found this site. I believe I met you in group today. I look forward to meeting you more. You are welcome to visit my thread “New Wild Hair Gambling Procedure.” The community here has been very accepting of me and I have vented an awful lot about a lot of different things.
I have re-wrote this post several times and it came out long. I have a tendency to do that. Right now I am working on homework. I am a 43 year old male CG who works full time and goes to grad school ¾ time.
As far as the suicidal thoughts, I have dealt with them on both sides of the spectrum. I have dealt with PTSD, major depression, and anxiety due to a serious work accident 11 years ago. And yes, I have had those thoughts flash by after horrible gambling binges. It is not an option for me though since my former-ex wife committed suicide a year ago in February. We were married 21 years, divorced 2 years ago, she remarried for 6 months, and we were not on good terms, but she was part of more than half my life. Me and my kids will never  be the same. I have a 23 year old daughter, a son who will soon be 21, and a daughter who is 18. My youngest lived with me for the past 2 years. I was moving on after the divorce fairly well, then the suicide re-dug a lot of stuff back up. That will be a lifetime recovery as well I suppose. The lady and the shock of what she did still hits me when I get out of be every morning. 30,000 people commit suicide in the U.S. each year, and this is a conservative number. For each person who commits suicide, at least 6 survivors are left behind, which is also a conservative number. I figured she left around 18. Also, statistics show that survivors are at higher risk of suicide at some point in there lives than non-survivors. Also, there are sources that claim that CG carries the highest suicide rate than all other addictions and CG is the second cause of suicide next to mental illness. I was so focused on dealing with depression risks and the risks of being a survivor and my kids, I did not realize I jumped into another high risk pool But as a recovering CG, I too am a survivor. I praise God for that. I don’t understand a lot of things, but I will praise him. He has walked me through a lot of stuff and he will continue to do so. Free will is something else. We have free will to do the right thing and the wrong thing. I have done both.
She too was facing foreclosure. It was not from gambling, but she was suffering from mental illness, a work injury herself, and got into a bad relationship. She was a medical professional, another high risk group, but that is what baffles me. She had so much talent and wisdom in that field and witnessed the devastation of death and suicide herself. I don’t understand it and you if you read my posts, you will see that I vent sometimes.
This is a good site and a good community. We all have baggage here and it is a safe place. I am glad you found us. We are all here for you.
Oh yeah. One thing I noticed that you and Salina mentioned that really stuck out. You both talked about waking up with thoughts of death. I don’t know if there is any correlation, but I have noticed dealing with my depression for 11 years. These thoughts would often come when I would wake up but try to force myself back to sleep. And sleep is a common escape of depression. But when I would finally get up, the thoughts would subside or go away and I would wonder how in the world I could think such thoughts. Depression has a vicious cycle. But for me, trying to not get up seemed to fan these thoughts. Again. I don’t know if there is any correlation with trying to force sleep and suicidal thoughts or not.
While I have had many challenges, I have overcome many obstacles as well. Some of it doesn’t make much sense, but God continues to walk me through it.
Well this looks like another long post. Sorry about that. It was nice to meet you in group today and I think the open chat that will start this Saturday will be promising.
The title of your post is eye catching, but I would keep it. There are many here who can relate and share with you and may it be a testimony of a successfull recovery for you.
God Bless and welcome to our community,