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Thanks for the posts guys!
Sometimes i feel like I am driving a train headed straight for a wall and can’t jump off. I live for the acceptance of others and when I don’t get it I crack. Why? Why do I seem to need that so much? The worthless feelings just overwhelm me and destroys any speck of self esteam that i may have managed to pick up along the way.
I think just the way we "punish" ourselves by gambling I am "punishing" myself with unhealthy attachements to someone who has no real interest in me but yet is interested in what I can do for him. I keep trying to help him in the name of friendship because somehow I am trying to make him change his mind and see just how wonderful I am.
I can’t make him love me, my mind knows that. He’s really no good for me and we are not alike in any way. I told him things were going to change between, that I had to stop being with him on a physical level because their is no emotional attachment. In the end the thrill just isn’t worth the pain, just like gambling. I’m still trying to escape the deamons from my childhood, the only difference between this and my cg is I am not suffereing the financal loss, just the emotional one.
Something is changing, maybe it’s me.
I am going to my ga session tonight. There is a one year pinning, a guy that lost it all to gambling, house, family, car, job, etc. But here he is, one year later, and he has a new life.
I want that too.