I am today 153 days gamble free and I am proud of myself, its taken me many years to be able to give myself credit for anything, but I do for this.. However, I have to say this recovery is bloody hard work, I am so aware of my triggers and have become able to remove myself from situations which I know have caused me issues in the past, but I can still see that dark side of me, the one who hides everything, who smiles when she wants to cry, who doesn’t need to do things for herself, aslong as everyone else is happy, then I am..thats what got me in this mess in the first place, I am concious of this but I can’t seem to find the way out and the truth is I feel miserable and its breaking my heart, that I don’t feel happy when I should.. I am looking for abit of advice..what do you do when you realise, its not you who has to change your ways, how do you tell those people who have stuck by you (but inevitably, think my recovrey ended a while back), that your just not happy..I am not happy with anything, other than my daughter, the rest I feel like I am invisible. I have tried talking, writing, shouting, but the truth is I am just like a mushroom, fed full of shit and kept in the dark, after all it is my fault, I can’t be responsible for normal adult things, as I am a problem gambler.. it sucks ass sometimes.
