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Well, feeling a bit washed out still. Pete last night gave me the runners and riders for the Grand National and said he would put a one pound bet on for me. Grand national day used to be a family day, the only day of tbe year to put a bet on the horses. I had to explain that I cannot make any kind of bet ever. The closest people to us often just don’t get it. Did I feel deprived, yes a little. I am not even sure I can watch the race any more and that is a level of enjoying life that now feels very blah bland. I also accidentally pressed wrong button and a new slot site came up with the registration screen. In the past this would be a massive trigger, but I would say in an urge scale 25 per cent out of a 100. Inside something still goes eeeeek when this occurs. Hopefully, gamstop soon and that will be such a massive relief. Blockers for me over a period of a couple of years an exercise in frustration and very imperfect products.
I am fed up of this existence in my room. I have enjoyed the comonwealth games a lot and when they finish I have to make an effort to get my old self and strength back. I am even considering the nutraceuticals that stimulate the brain. I still have a degree of brain fog and I really hate that. This is what worries me about going to work, that my cognitive faculties are not what they were. Iusedtobe a very quick thinker, understanding issues and assessing things really swiftly. I would say I am operating on 50 per cent. Part of me has gotten used to this very solitary existence, it has gone on way too long, which directly impacts on ones faith and trust that it things really will improve. Goes against all the claptrap rhetoric that GA and others spout that things get better very quickly in recovery. that No one should have to go through this for so long, a condition that still has no diagnosis about 15 months onand a very long wait for a hospital appointment. Plus no change and still can’t file for bankruptcy or address any debts. No forward movement is my idea of hell. I am not used to that and I hate it.