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nomore 56

I don’t understand what forgiveness means. That is one of the emotional concepts my brain will not process. I feel with my brain so to speak and if something is not logical, I don’t get it. In the very beginning I accepted that my hb has addiction. I supported him as good as I could and eventually we moved on. What I cannot accept is his relapse. He was gamble free for 11 years and the first trip to a casino was a conscious decision. He agrees with me on that one.
I could not ever forgive some of the things he has done. He took everything away from me that I cherished. All the while knowing what it meant to me. He was very well aware what was important to me in my life and took it anyway. When he went to prison for a year he left me to deal with the destruction by myself. To this very day I have no idea how I got through all that. I was humiliated, ridiculed and judged. For what HE did. The whole story is book material, trust me. Then he came back from prison, continued gambling and expected me to welcome back. And it all started all over again. Because of our situation (felony, age, health etc.) we were never able to undo even part of the damage. There was no picking up the pieces, moving on and rebuilding. What is there for good is that everything is gone.
We became friends because we had to. It works, we get along ok and since none of us has any family or friends we are our only support system in many ways.
But at the end of the day I just wish I had chosen Flight. Because the Fight did me no good.
Have a great weekend!