I found out recently that the chances I will self-destruct again is still very high. It has been like these all the times unless I learn to do it differently one day.
I KNOW I WILL HAVE TO BE CAREFUL BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING SELF DESTRUCTIVE INSIDE ME.
It is always when I was sick from an ailment, that I would suffer a relapse from gambling or alcohol. I become impatient, restless and anxious to do something, or anything. This is an internal trigger! Gambling is the most damaging financially and alcohol is the most damaging physically.
THE WORST PART ABOUT SELF DESTRUCTION IS THAT YOU ARE FULLY AWARE OF IT BUT THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT.
WHAT ‘S WRONG WITH ME?
I HURT MYSELF ON THE OUTSIDE TO TRY TO KILL THE THING ON THE INSIDE.
I allow myself to fail with out considering the seriousness of the consequences. I cannot imagine how far and how much is the damage. I never think I cannot afford the mistake when I do it. I only need a reason or excuse and I gave myself the permission to go ahead to do it.
Only a recovering addict will understand another suffering addict.
