I know I haven’t posted in a while but I have been reading. I am sorry to hear you are still stuck in the guilt loop that we moms often find ourselves in. I can’t give advise either but wanted to say i understand the pull between helping our kids for good or “helping” our kids which really isn’t any long term help to them at all. I don’t think any of this is “your fault”. At some point adulthood requires that our kids take responsibility fir their own lives. And even though it is painful to see them struggle – I know, I have done it myself- it is what they need to grow on their own.
Do stay strong – for you and your partner- We all have limited internal resources and it sounds like you need to take care of yourself and your life first. Not an easy task, but I support you.
Sending love across the miles