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Thought I had tonight all figured out-its Sunday-Poker night-but had a date-but she was not feeling good—-so I reverted to my old vice and hit the poker game because this time will be different:-)

1200 dollars later I leave the poker game feeling like shit (not that it matters but I flopped a set of Kings—on the turn he bets, I raise, he calls—with 2,3-and hits a club on the river to to take my 1500 dollar pot down with the smallest flush you can have-but he beat my set of kings. Win and I am ahead 300, lose and I am well, here, typing on the computer…but it doesn’t matter. If the crash did not happen tonight it would happen later )

Now the depression comes, and the why the —- am I so stupid comes, and the overriding want to stay in bed all day tomorrow comes, and the why did I lose again comes. (The guy who won the last hand had not won all night-had not hit anything all night-but like clockwork he hits against me).

So i leave the game in a rage-the stupid drunk should not have been in the hand. There is no way I lose when I am 90% to win with one card to come. I raised it 200 pre flop and he called with 2,3. I checked the turn because I was so far ahead-if I had bet it he would have folded as he had to hit runner runner to win. But If I push I win a 400 dollar pot and am about even. But I played it right, no way he makes that push with 2,3. But he did, and the card Gods —-ed me once again. Over and over they —- me…I know they are going to —- me did I really have to lose 1200 dollars proving once again what I already know?

So I vow once again to stop, and to try and find some normal in my confused and —-ed up world. I took the next step, I left the Facebook group that announces the game, I deleted all the people on line who invite me to games, I told my very good friend (who runs the game I was at tonight) that I did not want to hear about poker games, about his wins or loses, if he does not respect my boundaries I will block him)

Ive seen this —-ing movie so many times, every time I take another step towards getting the —-ing monkey off my back. But this time really feels different. I have never gone this far before.

Have to find something to feel the gap that will be left, Something to take up the OCD.

Trying to figure out how I feel-and its almost nothing. The healing process begins almost immediately. I can so quickly forget how utterly shitty I felt a short hour ago. The —-ing disease is insidious. I remember but I can’t recall the pain. I have no more money to lose or I would probably go back and rebuy.

But I truly don’t —-ing want too-but I truly —-ing want too-

—- me-replaying the last hand over and over again-always a crash-sometimes I play bad and lose, sometimes I play good….and lose. But I usually lose.

Have to stop- can’t keep going.

Its 212am-God I hope sleep will come quickly—