Do I fall apart the minute things don’t go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
At this phrase of my recovery, it can affect my life and threaten my recovery when everything fall apart and not go according to plan.
It has got to do with emotional sobriety, I need to be stronger because my faith, trust and confident during these difficult times is not strong enough. I could not accept the stress, disappointment, hardship, pain and suffering from life’s adversities. I could not sit and do nothing, I want to escape, I want a relief, I need a quick fix, I want a solution to change thing.
I could still focus, cope and manage with one or two major life issues but when it was a handful, I get overwhelmed and I show lack of ability to multi task. I can lose my calm, composure and patience, I can become disturb, angry, fearful and impatient.
It was Oct 2019, I experience something like this.
My job is giving me everything I need now. 5 days work week, higher pay and doing something I was familiar.
This has happen many times, there are many office politic and distraction here, it take my mind away from my work. The center shifted from my work to the people. A colleague pick a fight with me and the manger unfairly sided with him. I had to bring this matter to the attention of the company higher management and government authority to safeguard my interest in the company.
This job provided me the income to provide for my family, living expenses, bills, loans and debt. Lose this job and income, everything fall apart.
My brother and family used to visit every weekend to offer support but suddenly this stop. My sister was away for holiday. It was during this time that my mum give me problem. Mum complain that sis and brother did not give her money, she wanted to change our maid who has been a great help to us looking after her.
She is 90 years old, she need to visit the hospital for regular check up, she need to take her medicine on time. We need the maid to be with her all the times so that she will not fall down. With the maid, she goes outdoor very often to shop at the supermarket and window shopping at the shopping mall. I need this maid.
I have provided something within my mean to the family this month. My mum was frustrated and complaining about money. I needed to give her some but I do not have any.
My mind was also pre occupied with selling my flat, dealing with housing agent, and buyer plus all the waiting and paperwork required.
The negative emotions and feelings with relation to my job and finance, my mum and finance, my bro and sis having confident and trusting me, is building up and snowballing. I was feeling more stress, frustrated, and tired. It feel like hardship, pain and suffering. I was losing my peace, calm and patient, very important quality in crisis management.
to be continue……
I want an escape and a quick fix. I focus on what gambling can do for me. I was doing selective memory, I was able to suppress and block out the scary thought and feeling of what gambling can do to me. I was soon doing gambling, food and sex.
I like to do alcohol, but the pain and fear of what alcohol can do to me and my recovery was stronger than what it can do for it. I dare not do alcohol and drug to self-medicate but I choose to relapse in football betting, food and sex.
I did not get rich but I win enough to survive these 3 months. Just enough to pay for everything and nothing left. Anything left will be lost to gambling in the end.
The gambling outcome did little to change my problems. The problem at work dies over time when I shifted the center to work. Bro and Sis continue to give mum the attention and money she need later, unfortunately the maid’s fate was final, they got a new maid later, mum stop complaining. Found a new buyer for my flat later.
All the problems dissolve over time and it was not due to my winning in gambling. Imagine if I had lost every single cent and got into more debt, the outcome would have been disastrous.
Nothing need to be done, There is no need to press the self destructive button. It requires strong acceptance of the situation. We need to accept it, face it and not numb it.
We need to have strong faith, complete trust and patient in such difficult time,Over time, everything will fall into place.
I have experience many other problem in the past such as unemployment, my poor health, debt and relationship matters too.
This is a lesson learn
When everything did not go according to plan, I can fall apart. This can affect my life. Choosing to relapse can made matter worst, it can be 10 times more painful and complicated. I ended up taking a longer time to return life back to normal.
I can still be prone to foolishness, carelessness and stupidity when everything fall apart and not go according to plan. “WISDOM” in living life was missing.