I am still feeling down, then ok, then huge amounts of rage, then more tears.
I managed 12 days without any contact with my ex. He was texting me but I ignored him, He wanted to see the kids and he told me he had a day to start back at work, that he was doing better and attending meetings. He had some texts to my daughter and this was ok. Not fooling me though but my kids wanted to see him. So I let him take our daughter to the cinema and I made sure I wasn’t around to see him when he picked her up and dropped her off, That was better for me. I wanted to get stronger.
The cinema went well and I was pleased it was good contact.
how quickly things change….
It was my son’s birthday on 27th nov and my ex is again texting me. He also has texts to and from my son and that is ok. He is 15 now so he can make decisions for himself, as long as I know he is not getting hurt. My ex says he has a present for him and also tells me that he has received his compensation money. Here comes my anger. 18 thousand pounds. For crashing my car, which is still on my visa, and for a personal injury which didnt last the time he claimed it did.
Anyway, I struggle with the injustice of it all but try hard to move on from this news but it all gets too much and I cry again. My son also gets annoyed as he is aware that he has got compensation money and my son does something he has never done before and he punches the wall. A concrete wall. He is angry and sad and is crying so much and letting out all of the feelings he has kept to himself. I hug him and comfort him and I have to take him to a+e and he gets an xray, showing a fractured knuckle. Its such a difficult night. and its the night before his birthday.
To make matters worse, my ex turns up outside my house, just as my son has broke down and my ex has text me to say he hopes I dont mind but he has some money for me. All of this is going on and I have so much rage that I have never experienced before,like I am going to explode.
So, I go to the car and my ex gives me 1500. and then 100 for our daughters panto trips and a party outfit. He gets 18,000 and he gives me 1500. Should I be grateful? I lose it and I scream at him, I tell him his addiction has caused my son to punch a wall, to have an effect on me and my kids and I challenge his comments when he tells me he is ill. I go mental and I am now telling him that he has made destructive choices in his life and why are the medical profession not spending lots of money on addiction if it is a health problem, I tell him how I feel and I am sarcastic and horrible and not me at all. He just listens but gives a few useless comments and I tell him he is the master of manipulation and how dare he treat me and my kids in this way. I take the money and I slam his car door as I walk away, trying to then compose myself as I have to now go to the a+e dept.
When I get home, I cry into my pillow. How did it come to this?
I am upset on my sons birthday but my acting skills are amazing and I take my son out for the evening,just me and him. My son then asks if he can see my ex as he sees he thinks this may help, He has not had any contact since August. I agree and he meets him at Mcdonalds, along with our daughter. I dont go. I dont want to see him.
Its a positive visit and my son has many feelings as he says he is angry with him, loves him, misses him, a bit like what I go through. He invites him to watch his football match the next day and I think that my son is perhaps giving my ex an opportunity to be back in his life again.
Going well ? No, I drop my son off and tell him to ask my ex to return him to the house after the game. Imagine the disappointment when my son phones me to tell me he is walking home. I ask why and he says “He never turned up”.
I am raging again, my son is hurt again, he has let us down AGAIN. I tell my son I am now making the decisions and that I will attend all matches now,my ex wont ever get the opportunity to do that to my son again.
And its worse as my ex texts a day later trying to make out my son is to blame for not contacting him on the day of the football.My son never agreed to. he told him where he was playing, what time and my ex had agreed to go. I believe my son.
All is quiet for a week and then a text saying that he is not going to his work and will not be there the rest of the year. He tells me has gp appointments and isnt doing too great.
I have my suspicions of what is up .
when he got the 18 thousand he told me he was giving me 1500.he did. he was giving his parents 1500. i know he did as i asked them, he was giving his pal 1000 he owed him and he was giving 8000 to his work for the car loan they gave him. he never bought a car.he gambled. so he had a lot of the money accounted for mmmm. will he put his plans into place, is he in recovery?
Only yesterday I get a text asking if I have a petrol can. I ask why and he tells me his car has run out of petrol and it has been in someones drive in another part of our town. I worry about this as I know he needs his car to pick our daughter up and now he has got contact with her, no car means it will be more difficult to see her. So what do I stupidly do? I tell him I will get a petrol can and come for him so he can get his car back.
I am so upset as I write this. what am I doing? why am I helping him when I know its the worst thing ever? I am curious though as I smell a rat and how can u just run out of petrol and leave your car.Because he is skint thats why,
He has gambled all the compensation money and when I take him to get his car, it is parked around the corner from the drug dealers house. coincidence that.
Anger, hurt, sadness, frustration, and my heart breaking. I just don’t get it?
I put 5 pounds in the petrol can and I drop him off. He asks me for a loan of 20 pounds, he tells me he has no food or electricity or fags and he wont get paid for 2 weeks. I stay strong and give him nothing, I drive away and I am crying but I am angry at myself for even responding to him in the first place but at least I know, there has been no recovery.
He tells me he is sorry, he texts me saying he hates his life. I tell him to change it then. I keep saying the serenity prayer. I am so upset right now. when does the hurt stop?
He gambled all that money. more money to Mr Ladbrokes. that money could have changed my kids lifes. But its gone.
Where is his bottom line?
and will his work sack him? he says he is going to tell them he is a compulsive gambler but will he? why do I care because at least if he has a job I will get some money for our daughter as I have went through the CSA to collect this from his wages.
I want to move away. start my life over and learn from this horrible destructive addiction that has caused me so much heartache.
Please keep helping me to find the strength to do this.
I cant believe all of this has happened.
If only it was a nightmare and I could wake up tomorrow and he was there and this had never happened. If only ………….
A long post, I am sorry.