So I thought today was a good day to share all about my life, I have shared this before but can’t honestly remember as to how in depth I have gone but anyway I wanted to share, Icandothis thank you once again for opening this thread for me I am very grateful and for yours and everyones support.
I was at school and a 14 year old boy, I worked hard, didn’t have many friends (but some) my parents brought me up well and taught me right from wrong, in truth they couldn’t have done a better job and I love them very much for bringing me up and looking after me until I made my own way in life. At school I was getting bullied…..pretty bad and most days (in the end I hated going) I managed it the best I could in total it went on for around 3 years, there came a point in my life when I had really had enough (well there were many times I had had enough) I thought about various routes to take (some very final) and I never told my parents as for some reason I never thought I could (they still dont know till this day), one day I decided I have to toughen up and get stronger in life or I wouldn’t be able to stay in this world, so I did, I found a hiding place, a place where all was well, a place I could loose myself, a place (at the time) seem to give me hope, I had started gambling (and winning) soon my reputation got around and changed from the school whipping boy to this lad gambles (illegally, under aged and wins)……well off course to me everything was great, in the space of a few weeks I went from being picked on daily to people wanting to be my friend (this because the money I had and showering people with sweets and treats) I know now its false friendship but I wasn’t getting picked on and for me that was all I was worried about, I changed…….I became someone I wasn’t, someone that wasn’t as nice as the innocent boy I once was (but please understand me I had to change or I honestly believe my life would have ended very prematurely if things had off kept going the way they were). Thats how I started gambling (there was another boy in my year who was popular and he gambled……..I followed his lead and thats how I started) in 1990 when I was at school and won nearly £1000 in a week…….well of course I was going to be popular but it was that incident that set the course of my life.
So I made it through the last of my school years and got average grades, left school and had many different jobs, I worked hard and worked my way up the ladder, landing a great job when I was 20 years old, assistant manager to a massive vehicle workshop that turned over millions a year, the problem was I had turned myself from a young, honest, kind hearted young man into something slightly different, I hadn’t completely change and still retained a lot of the goodness but I had formed an arrogant, “I am it” attitude, that ended up getting me in trouble, I would be in talks with my managers and thinking I am the best I would end walking out of fantastic jobs over silly disagreements knowing I could just walk into another one (and in truth I did) but this did nothing for my stability (was still gambling at this point, wasn’t in any major debt as the jobs I had more than covered up my gambling addiction.
I meet a wonderful women when I was on holiday in 1996 when I was 19 and she was 16 we lived over 100 miles apart but over the years I traveled down to see her every weekend and in the end she moved up to live with me………..that wonderful women is sat 6 foot in front of me watching TV with are two children as I write this share…….some 19 years on.
I moved into my first flat (mortgage) when I was 20 years old, still gambling but I seemed to be in control (if you ever can when gambling – no you can’t) and my (now wife) moved in with me, lived there for around 3 years and then my (now wife) got homesick so I moved with her down south, managed to get a very good job (after a few very bad ones) an then thats when my gambling really spiralled out of control, when I sold my flat I moved down south and managed to clear all my debts, was debt free what a relief, but being down south by myself (part from my (now wife) I was pretty alone, she had a job also and had all her family down there (maybe I used it as an excuse) but I hit gambling really hard, in about 4 years I has managed to get myself into about £40k of debt bearing in mind I had a good job and so did my wife and at this time we didn’t have any children, I gambled everyday, I wanted to and I did, I couldn’t seem to stop and didn’t want to stop, the money was just ammo it never had a meaning (probably because I had lost so much) if I had £100 in my pocket it was nothing I had lost all concept of money.
I gambled, and gambled and gambled and gambled, we moved back to the midlands when my boy was about 1 year old as the cost of living down south was just so much and over the years with what I had lost I couldn’t afford to stay down there.
Back where I grew up I got a job and we rented a flat (I have always worked and there has never been more than a week gone by without me working) the trend continued I gambled and gambled heavy……………..I didn’t want to stop, i couldn’t stop, many nights over the years I have cried to myself thinking why can’t I stop, why dont I stop, what am I doing with my life.
I carried on gambling and carried on losing, always managed to great good jobs but the gambling just got bigger and bigger, I think it was around 2011 about mid summer I decided I wanted to stop and had had enough my little girl had been born the year before and she was now 1 year old, I had a wonderful wife and 2 great children, I still provided for them but still kept gambling and messing up, the difference being from that time in 2011 I wanted to stop, I won’t lie I have slipped in and out of recovery since then but I know recovery and not gambling is honestly were I want to be, I have had good periods of time away from gambling since 2011 but just recently have slipped back into old ways, I am back in recovery and where I want to be, my last day gambled was 10th November 2015 and I strive to make this my last gamble date for once and for all.
My gambling has destroyed many things in life, I have destroyed many things in life, I make the choice to gamble and I make the choice not to gamble, I am a compulsive gambler and I will always be one, but what I want to be is a compulsive gambler in recovery always.
I can’t win if I choose to gamble because I can never stop, I am currently in a hallway and there are many doors, they are all shut apart from one straight ahead and that door leads to my future and whatever I want my life to be……..all the other doors lead back to my gambling days and they all lead me back to gambling at the moment all the doors are shut/closed……I have also managed to lock many of them but there is a table in the middle of the hallway and there are keys left on there………..the keys will always be there tempting me………….but I must constantly remember where my gambling takes me and therefore always follow my heart and stay away from that first bet.
I am a compulsive gamble and when I make the choice to gamble I am the worse person in the world, I want to be me again…….I want to be that innocent, kind hearted, loving boy I once was before I had to make the choice between life and death (sounds very melodramatic but it was where I was at in life) looking back there were many other options but as a 14 year old boy I couldn’t see them at the time.
I am very grateful for what I have learnt in life and in fairness dont turn 39 until the end of this month so God willing still have many years left in me, sorry for going on but just wanted to share a little about my life with you all.
I havent gambled today and yesterday I went to the shops and brought a 21 pence tomato…..something I have never done before (going out walking past a bookies and then spending so little) I really hope things are changing and deep down I know they are.
Thank you all for listening, reading, hearing and understanding, my very best to each and everyone of you, I hope you all can dig deep and stay strong to fight this addiction as always “one day at a time”
“we are all different but very much the same”
Maverick (Lee)