Jenny, it helps to just be acknowledged. I have reached out for help and I know that if I found the right person, with some authority and character, things might be a lot different. It hurts to be blown off by the people who “care” about all kinds of things … yeah, right. Til you actually call them on it and find out how much they care. I’ve been collecting cans. Sometimes people ask me why and stuff. I tell them … some try to give me money. I tell them no (although two basically forced it on me). It’s not about money, especially getting other people’s … it’s about having some power in my own life. Making a little progress or at least not falling further behind. I’ve told a couple people “thank you for treating me like a human being” because when I go out and am sticking my hand in garbage cans etc I look like a bum … and may be one before long. I’m not being treated as a human, or “worthy” by those who claim higher vision or authority. It hurts, makes me angry, but what can I do about it? NOTHING.
Twilight, I read your posting about your father. I guess that is what HURTS. I know this is their father … I cannot stand by and allow them (our daughters) to be hurt more by his games. It is VERY difficult to know what and when to say.
Plus, they grew up being told I was crazy, I deserted them, I was going to kill them, etc etc. I still get the backlash for that. And I do understand that it doesn’t matter what truth was or is … that was their experience and it was painful. They believed it. Finding out, too, that the parent who they trusted and thought … well that also has knocked heads for a loop.
I am the spouse and in some ways, it is easier to disengage (from him) I think. But I know the hopeful feelings I had … that I would say the “right thing” and the light bulb would go off.
I took on most of the blame, too, in past. I had even forgotten that I divorced him ONLY because he brought home filled out papers and was threatening to have me committed involuntarily. Since he did so successfully in past, I was terrified. I also was half convinced maybe I was crazy … and I thought if that was the case, I was doing the best by my daughters not to expose them.
It’s very bitter to learn that I NEVER had a “mental illness” though I suffered severe psychological injuries due to the cruelty I was put through … all for control over money.
I’m also bitter to have asked for help from the DV people. The attorney at the state agency was going to call me, so she said … she didn’t. On the same day I visisted their site and see that in August, they are hosting a fund raiser called “A Night at the Casino”. It is bitter because they would never, for example, host “Shooting Night at the Range” or the like.
I guess I will get through this; I really don’t have any choice in the matter. The worst part, I guess is that the Court system is so screwed up, too. I would not have gotten the attorney had not his acted unethically in past. It makes me want to go to town and hold up a sign. Maybe I will.
It hurt to have gone through everything I now know I was put through … tell him maybe it all happened so that I could be encouragement and support to him. Have it all thrown back in my face and not only be back stabbed again, but watch him do it to our daughters, who basically supported him and his habits with payments meant for them of $1000/month +. But once they were no worth $$ anymore, see them thrown aside too. Only to learn that this has all been intentional … crazy … unjust.
Last year, he even, for God knows what reason, added himself back to our auto policy, which came out of my account. He had a car that he scrapped before all the payments came out. I couldn’t do a thing … lost the pay in full discount and of course, it otherwise wreaked havoc on already precarious finances.
I guess two questions come to mind: how does one explain the destruction to their life, particularly in a 20 year old’s case? I know as time wears on it will be less important, especially if no more destruction. But even my student loans are behind … I gave up trying to negotiate with creditors. There is no point of telling them that non-payment is due to forces beyond my control … or that someone is intentionally doing this … to me or her. And have you found any helpful methods of dealing with the anger that is the result of trusting that “help” is there only to find out most of (not all) the “helping agencies” are more concerned for themselves than the people they claim to represent? All I ever wanted was for the destruction to stop, not money. But I can’t get beyond as long as it is continuing.