Thank you hope2014!
I think we as people find it difficult to put ourselves first and this can take a lot of getting used to. I also think, if i had not had the children that i would have probably stayed in this relationship a lot longer.
But i knew that by letting myself be dragged down,then i couldn’t be the parent i know i am.
Although i talk about putting myself first, it’s actually getting myself healthy and out of this relationship so i can be a positive role model to my children. It’s them who deserve the best in me and no-one else.
There is also a part of me that is tired of being tired. I want to have healthy relationships with my friends and do my job to the best of my ability. Living with a CG makes you tired, anxious and secretive. Your friends know something is wrong but you hide it from them, so they feel decieved too, like you dont trust them to confide in them, and that also damages that friendship.
My work has suffered because i have been pre-occupied and distant over the last 11 months and i feel sad about that too because that then damages your own self-esteem, feeling that you can’t do anything right…your a crap mother, girlfriend, employee etc.
I can’t tell you the relief i feel at the moment, although i have some bad days and want to hide under the duvet, i also feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders (i didn’t feel like this immediately though).
Now i feel like i have my home back and there is no threat and walking on egg shells, i can concentrate on the children and meet thier needs without being distracted or pre-occupied with the latest drama…i just feel calm and settled…It’s a good feeling 🙂
Im also taking herbal remedies to boost my energy levels, trying to apply a bit of make up each day and cooking healthy meals for me and the children. I’m still on children’s portions sizes but my appetite is getting better.
It very much feels like im in recovery and i know this will take time, but like you say..i have to keep looking forward.
I also applied for a new job a while back and have a start date for December :). Im really looking forward to this, not because of the money (although it will help) or the new challenge as such…because i can go there without taking the history of gambling or this relationship with me….work know of my difficulties over the last year and i want to leave all that behind. I dont want to keep being the victim, becuase that is how they see me. I want to be me in my own right and not part of someone elses addiction.
I read your thread and we sound similar (particularly when i was married to my ex with drug misuse). I have one child of each sex and the things that ran through my mind at that time were this….
Do i want to show my daughter that this is how men treat women and this is what she is to expect and accept?
Do i want my son to learn that men (his dad) treat women in this way and will grow up believeing this is how he should treat women.
And finally….How can i as thier mother, keep letting them be pushed to one side becuase of the drugs/money and mood swings when all i want for them is to be happy and confident?
My children were 1 and 2 when i left my ex husband and they are growing up happy and confident (they 6 and 8 now).
Sometimes if you cant see things for yourself then maybe trying to look at why you had children and what you want for them might help you put things into perspective a little?
I know it’s easier to say this and easier still for me becuase i have done it.
Good luck hope2014 xxx