Hi Jenny,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and replying, it is really nice to talk to someone I don’t know about what is going on. I apologise for my delayed reply, honestly, things had got better then they got worse before they got better and I don’t know where I am at again.
I have come to the conclusion that he is not ready to quit and I am not ready to leave him. As sad and pathetic as that comes across. It’s true and I am not in denial of the truth.
That being said I took your advice and I have taken better or more care of myself and put my needs first. However still learning how not to let the addiction dictate what happens next. I no longer let the thoughts of what happens next or second guessing as you mentioned consume any more of my mental health, I have my trusty womanly instinct that hasn’t let me down yet and I know when I know. The rest isn’t worth the hassle.
Sometimes I think about doing basic things like saving for a holiday or booking things in advance and contemplate if we will have the spending money whilst away on whatever we initially “planned” for. Example, I booked a hotel and paid for it however the weekend we were supposed to go he had blown all his money on a fruit machine after promising me that he wouldn’t and asking me to trust him just this one time. So I did, to find out later that he had spent the money we were going to spend on a nice meal and drinks. I was devastated but deep down expected it. Are those thoughts me allowing the gambling problem to dictate what happens next?
I almost feel like its our gambling problem and I can’t leave him.
I do what I want to do, I see my friends, I go to work, I have my own life. However when he is with me he is better and doesn’t gamble. How can he learn to be like this on his own? Im not expecting for big results, certainly not overnight. I have no expectations just want to support him.
Further to the recent developments he was offered a job with his Dad and has gone to work abroad. We spoke about gambling and we both know you can’t move house and run away from your problems, but you can move house and take them with you. The in-denial cracks were always visible but clearer when he was determined that working abroad will help him to stop gambling. This was a failure in the making but I didn’t put him down. Just kept my disappointment to myself. Since being away he was 2 days in and gambled £3000. This money came from a watch he sold for £6000 and had gambled the £3000 prior to moving abroad. A week later I went to see him, he didn’t gamble, and yesterday he tells me he won back the £3000 – I was disappointed but relieved he can come to me this is a step to allowing me to help him one day? without having to end our relationship?
Back to the point after losing the money he said he was sorry he wants to come home, i simply said he doesn’t have to apologise to me its himself he’s letting down which is more hurtful. I told him he cant come home he will see the job through and and achieve something that he can make himself proud of. i told him that losing the money has left a negative impact on this thoughts and he must not be defeated by the aftermath. Find a place within himself where can go to. And later hopefully when I get through to him somewhere praise him for having the strength to talk about it, pointing out that he can do the what seems impossible, I wasn’t expecting a response but was that the right thing to say? How can he think this will ever resolve itself?
He has never been a violent person and I know that the incident I last mentioned was just an outburst and symptom of the addiction.
Perhaps I can show him this website let him know that if he gamble anywhere in the world he can enable himself to stop if that’s what he really wants. He say’s it is, but is he saying that to keep me? I believe he can change and I know he can do it.
Thanks again for listening and taking the timeout it really has helped me and I can only hope it helps him one day.
Apologies for going off on tangents, its the story of my life!
L x