Thank you Jenny – spot on again. Things are very confusing for me now. I am trying to hang in there –
I often do think my family thinks I am a robot who just *does stuff* for everyone. I try to remind them I am not. When I leave tues/thurs nites for my class my kids are unhappy but I remind myself I NEED this for myself – and I do – it is the only thing I do for myself – btw, “Everything to Everyone” is a favorite song of mine by Everclear…listen to it if you can…
When you ask what I love about him – I love who he is when he isn’t “sick” – He is smart, funny, kind, intelligent – loving – That is when he is THERE. When he is avoiding life (via work, gambling, sleeping, eating, etc) I don’t like him very much. I feel sad when he is “not there” and I miss his presence. I have a few really good long term friends but they live far away. I also had a few losses recently (my best friend died last year and my other best friend was deported!) So I seem to have less support now that ever….
I guess that is why I am lonely and sad…
I recognize I need the ” type of stuff that replaces bad with good ?”..I try and see the other friends I have here but I am not as close them as I am with the other far away ones. I think that is why this group us so important to me. This is my support – where people know the “true” story and don’t judge – it is and has been a blessing and a G-dsend – I am so grateful to you and the others here at GT.
I think it was San that asked if I can manage staying with my CG knowing all the long term problem he has. The truth is a) I don’t want to break up my family and b) I still love my CG. I know too many divorced families and I can’t put my kids thru that. I know you may all be screaming “but you need to take care of yourself and your kids already know the truth of their Dad” etc etc. I know my kids see their Dad as he is – good and bad- but I can’t, in my heart, break up their family. I can only try and make things better from my end and hope he can keep working on his end.
And yes, I pay the price – I know I do – but I can’t let my kids suffer more (the kids of my friends who are divorced definitely suffer more). I know if we got divorced Id have less control over my CG and how he deals with the kids – If we are together I can take better care of the kids and still have some good family times (like when we were away) when Dad is *present*. I realize is it not a great picture for me-but I am stuck – really I am – because my kids are more important than me. At least for now. Maybe when the youngest is older this will change – but for now, I am here..
Velvet: to answer your question about his therapy: – He has been to like 8 different therapists – this one we are at now is a CBT guy and seems to be helping him. He was seeing him 2x a week but bc of the kids schedules (and my ability to only be one place at a time!!) he is only going 1x a week. He still is going to his SA meeting and sometimes GA meetings. Honestly I think he is so deeply damaged that “full recovery” is probably not going to happen. I am hoping he can be more present with the family and control his addictions…I don’t know…
I would love to make your group at 6pm Tuesday but that is kid time – from 2pm EST til 11pm I am with kids (unless Im at my class – my great ecape!!). Hopefully one day Ill be able to pop in and talk in real time. I would love that.
I hope I have covered all the questions that were posed of me – I am really grateful that there are people out *there*, lovely people who care enough to repond and offer support and advice. I know things change – change and move – and I am trying to hang in there while we go over this current hump…
We have been married 20 years – that is a long time – I know my CG loves me and would do anything for me. When I look at others lives around me who I know, I see their problems from the outside (addiction, affairs, generally being a mean person, illness) and I realize I wouldn’t want top trade with any of them. That says something, don’t you think???
Gotta run – children call – more later – Glad I was able to spend this time with you all.