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thank you all for your responses.

Jonny, one of my top priorities in life has always been to make lots of money. I did not grow up rich, dont have a degree, always chased the quick buck. I was lucky in some areas in my life where i was able to make good money (hence me being able to lose 100’s of thousands of dollars). Also, i want to find PURPOSE. What i do for a living gives me NO satisfaction, infact it makes me feel so detached from society. I feel lonely and depressed 80% of the time and to fill that void inside, i turn to vices. Drinking, partying, chasing women, gambling.

I keep coming back to this same bad feeling. I was able to bounce back everytime and i would always tell myself “i never want to feel like that again”. Yet, here i am. I think deep down inside i knew i would be here again. How could i not be? How does one just STOP without losing every penny or doing some serious work to change ones mindset.

This really sucks. I am trying to keep a positive attitude but its so hard. Since my meltdown i have done nothing but lay around and watch TV feeling bad for myself. Most importantly i am so worried about my future. I feel as if i am destined to live a crap life all alone. I have some SERIOUS issues. I mean, who blows money like this MULTIPLE times?! I am getting sick to my stomach just writing about it again.

It all feels hopeless right now…but im trying to stay strong.