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Thank you for all your replies and comments. I have and do read them all. My mind is all over the place right now. Grieving for my mum or trying to. Sometimes I feel numb. feel nothing. Emotions all over the place. My father is old and lost since mum died. I do not enjoy my life. I go through the whole day with a sick feeling inside my stomach. It only eases if I gamble or if I drink. The perfect thermo nuclear mix is gambling and booze.

I did not drink today but wanted to. But know that the darkness of the depression that follows could send me over the edge. I gamble to escape and hate myself for it. I gamble to try win back 35 years of losses. I gamble to win back a family I lost. I gamble to win back businesses ruined and homes repossessed. Even when I win I always loose.

Loneliness at the moment is also crippling due to where I live and the fact I work for myself from home. All the elements of my life seem temporary unstable and disjointed. The icing on the this pile of shit is I am a compulsive gambler.