Thank you for your reply Twilight. As with most CG stories it all sounds very familiar. You mentioned that you would not give him what he gambled away and this was emotional torture for you. This is where I am today. I’ve stayed firm for the last year and a half that my mom gets no more money from me. Each time in the last year and a half there was never the possibility of her losing everything. I helped her find a legal alternative to bancruptcy that seemed to be working. But it didn’t last long of course. So how did you deal with the emotional torment you went through? I don’t even know where to begin.
I started writing in the last week. Just word vomiting into a word document. Detailing the history, the things i can remember and the feelings. I had a big revelation, I’ve never once actually addressed the feelings i’ve had about this. i’ve always put her first and just suppressed everything. It makes me wonder how i’m not extremely messed up or if i’m just waiting to explode. (of course the chest pains from the stress the last week are a good indication i need to address this sooner than later).
I explained to my hubby that i haven’t been shutting him out when he asks me to talk about this lately just that I actually have no idea how to put these feelings into words. but i’m getting closer with my writing and told him he could read it when it was finished.
You said the best thing i could do now is to love her, but i have no feelings towards her at all. When i started writing it took me all over the place. I starting thinking about what it was like with my mom before the gambling and what i realized is she has never been a mother. (seriously how am i this normal! haha) Oh yes i use humor whenever possible – cracking jokes is i guess my way of dealing. I really dont’ know if i love her or if i wish to have anything to do with her anymore. You also mentioned that you didn’t speak to your dad for a while, how did you make that break from him? And i’m sure there were a lot of feelings of guilt – how did you work through that?