Thank you M….I only hope this determination stays with me.
The next thing I’m going to have to do is tell my son. He’s going to be wondering where I’m off to next week.
I’m in two minds whether to tell him or not. I’ve denied I had a gambling problem for so long to him, even though he has had suspicions and he’s suffered from the fallout of my disease. …he’s always been anti gambling. Now his life is going good. …he’s got a good apprenticeship and a lovely girlfriend. However the other week he told me he won 160 on a football bet, which was all well and good until the final sentence he uttered was “It was my last tenner and all! “.
I said nothing at the time. ….but now alarm bells are ringing.
What if he takes after me???
So. ..probably best I come clean and at least warn him of the possible consequences of betting your last tenner on something!
I don’t think I have any choice but to nip this in the bud now. …or try to. Another life I’ve possibly ruined. Well I know through the years of my gambling I’ve ruined a lot of his years by not being there mentally or financially whilst I’ve been gripped by this thing. Repercussions are far and wide. …
As for the bf….it’s always been an on/off relationship over the last year or so. ….but now listen to this. ..This is why I am convinced I am mental! !
Ok. …so he’s a very nice solid man. …not without his own emotional issues. . .His father died of a heart attack in front of him seven years ago and he has been beating himself up about not being able to save him ever since. Long time I know.
But here’s the thing. ….Since I’ve told him about me he’s been ok about it. …In fact he’s been very understanding. …now I’m thinking to myself well he should have dumped me there and then. …He didn’t, so I’m supposing he hasn’t got the heart to do it until after next week….when maybe he thinks I can cope alone. I don’t want him to be in my life under duress and nor do I want to become emotionally dependant on him. He really hurt me last September. ..and has apologised since. …but that was one of our “off” periods. We don’t talk about that anymore!
So, when I’m with him . ..I’m constantly thinking that he’s only with me because he could see how difficult it was for me to tell him, and he feels sorry for me now. Coupled with his guilt over last September and now this. …He might be confused! I’m assuming he is. …because I’m not very lovable at the moment. ….more emotionally needy I’d say. …and who wants that? !
It’s patently obvious to me that I feel I don’t deserve to be loved.
And he doesn’t tell me he loves me anyway. …nor I him.
No doubt I sound like an ungrateful bitch saying this after him helping me out, not once but twice.
I suppose it’s a different kind of security I’m lacking.
I don’t know.