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#4665
LostandDespair
Participant

Thank you for your kind words and understanding, I know I am one of many and have spent hours pouring over this site that to be honest I accidently stumbled upon in my search for answers and understanding.

I know I will never have the answers or fully understand and in reality I am ok with that because I am healing although it seems to be a forever process and I can’t help wondering if I will get over it – and deep down I know I will but it has certainly changed me. Time does heal. Do we forgive (yes slowly because that is how we recover and how I see it heal). However, as previously mentioned I am haunted and struggle with forgiveness and can honestly say I will never forget.

My son and I are in a pretty good place considering. Our life is what I make it and I am fully aware of that. I broke the cycle by walking away as hard as it was to do (I spent half my life with this man, it was all i knew and I never wanted my son to be from a broken home but believe with every grain of my being that I did the right thing for me and my son as hard as it was).

it is up and down, I am better today, the other day no so much. My mother is terminally ill, I lost my grandfather the weekend before and my ex cg told me that he is not able to do our son’s birthday as promised (Just one more thing – I’m starting to think that I don’t have a breaking point) . He got my son soooo excited and a plan was in place only for the ex to turn around and say “sorry buddy we can’t this year” (and I can only assume it is mostly for financial reasons and because of his inability to not be able to stop dumping his paychecks into slot machines) I take issue with the broken promise and the hurt it inflicts on our son – this is when I struggle the most not to completely go off the rails because then I am put in the position of yet again making things better and picking up the pieces of the disappointment and saddness that our son feels. It is truly a hidden addiction and as previously mentioned my son knows very little of the monster that his father carries around and has to feed all at the expense of him. I have never discussed my ex’s gambling problem with our son. I am amazed how strong I am on the outside when I am falling to pieces on the inside. I am so grateful for my son – he is a big part of my healing and the reason I get up in the morning. I gave him his birthday party last night and it was a success and that is all that matters.

With respect to his family. His mother is a cg, his father is estranged and also a cg. His brother died about 4 years ago and they were close which was the ultimate trigger and undoing of my ex. He finally spiralled and lost everything – his home and us. The enabling family member is the deceased brothers widow and that is a whole other story that I will post at a later date. I can say this – the inheritance that was left for the ex cg’s brothers children is gone,the life insurance money that was meant to help the children go to school and buy houses and make their lives a litlle easier (because their father wanted them to be ok and not struggle like he had as a young adult) is gone – it fed the addiction and sucked more victims in along the way. This addiction has far reaching consequences and will be fed one way or another until there is nothing left. It will be just another matter or time before that situation explodes and he either hits his rock bottom or moves on to find another enabler – Not really my concern but sad all the same.

Thank you again Monique and Velvet it is nice to be able to be heard by people who understand. Dumping these toxic feelings is providing me with an outlet and the more I type the calmer I feel – like a release that I am grateful for.