Gambling Therapy logo

Thank you, P & Icandothis. I suppose only time will tell if I’m progressing, but I’m not taking comfort and confidence for granted any more.

I have repeated the phrase ‘we admitted we were powerless over gambling’ so many times, but never accepted or appreciated it. Or maybe I did, but my inability to accept life without gambling required I push it aside. Either way, memorization of this phrase made making the connection that much easier when I once again was presented with the question. But I do believe you are right, I am doing good this time. Much better than I ever have in the past and I believe it’s because of a combination of reasons which include absolute acceptance of my compulsive gambling addiction and honesty with myself regarding the reasons I want to gamble. I can allow forgiveness of myself, but not forget the insane depravity. Sounds easy enough, but this ends up being the tricky part for me.

For me, over time, the anguish of the losses fade and are replaced by the memory of the winnings. The winnings are simply awesome. Sitting at a blackjack table with two, three or four stacks of chips 7-8 inches high with no end in sight is an incomparable rush. Unfortunately, that’s the simple, unmitigated truth for me. And this is what I eventually, ONLY remember: the profitable gambling outings and the depriving reality of my choice of not allowing myself to continue. 100% textbook addiction, no question about it, but it’s how it works for me.

So, I’m told – and I tell myself – to fill the void with something else. Honestly though, what could ever fill that particular, high-octane (not any more), addiction-infused (current, but checked) void besides daily drug use, skydiving or Formula-1 racing? From where I stand, it all looks like boring, virtually pointless crap.

But then I go back to repeating that phrase I didn’t believe applied but eventually resonated with and defined me: ‘we admitted we were powerless over gambling’ and I have to believe that other potentially positive living methods/philosophies – no matter how contrived and forced they may feel – may also bear fruit.

Why not try, what have I got lose besides another gambling outing that ends in gut-wrenching frustration, anguish and shame? I’ve been there countless times before and I’m fairly certain I could survive another.

But today, I choose not to. Today, I choose something distinctly different, not matter how alien. Anything beats what I know.