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Vera, I was very close to my dad. He became my advisor, my confidante and friend. He filled the role of my ex. in helping and supporting me with my home and troubles. I would run to him or call him with my problems. He would always spend hours talking and making me laugh. I have never laughed so heartily since. Really miss him. Yes, I downspiraled after he died and hid behind shut blinds and didn’t go out. I became a recluse. My ex-bf noticed I was suffering from depression even with him. Gambling was the only thing that gave me the thrill and excitement and filled the void and desires I had.

Wow, Vera your sister and my dad died in the same month too, he’s is on 19th June.

Be strong tomorrow and think of her, Vera; how she would have given her last to get you gamble free and not see you struggle or go through what you are right now and have over the many years. Indeed, no one knows the extent of our addiction and the huge sums we have lost nothing in comparison to what they offer or loan us to help.

I plan to destroy my bank statements so that no one gets to see that in my lifetime or after. But I don’t want to look or add them up. It will be mind boggling.

My son never went for bereavement counselling and neither did I. But he has forgiven me and just hugged me when he saw me when I visited him. Yes it was hard but harder for me to let him go after those many years. But it was the only solution. That also affected me as I was suddenly on my own with no one there. My father died in June and he went back in Dec.

He could have been linked to that girl for life if she fell pregnant. No, he’s not mad at me and thanks me now. He said he doesn’t do anything of what he did out here and didn’t know what he was thinking to do that. It got out of control just like me and my gambling. Just hope he doesn’t have a compulsive disorder from me but he is quite strong minded.

I’ve have been blessed with opportunities in my life and enjoyed it as I had a good job. But even if I won a million pounds now, I have no desire or thrill and excitement to go anywhere or do anything with it. So why was I gambling anyway ? It changed me and made me lose my zeal for life ! I’ve put on so much weight and dislike who I have become. Even after stop gambling this time, I have no motivation to do anything to eat healthy and exercise. I enjoy cooking and baking for myself but even tho’ I only eat one meal a day cos I get up so late and have to work from home for now, I don’t lose weight. I make up for it when I have my meal late at night, then go to bed at 2:30 or later.

I know I must get my house in order before I leave next week for GMA but not doing it. Its doing my head in now as well knowing I have to go next week. I’ll be rushing around on the last minute and then work through the night to get it done. I need to as my neighbour will be looking after my cats and I couldn’t let them see how I’ve neglected the house and just did what I had to.

This was a good day for you today, baking. It makes one feel worthy again and you’ll enjoy your friend’s visit. But no one will ever understand gambling addiction. Yes, most times it’s best rather to say naught. I am a CG but didn’t know half what was happening to me till I came on here. It’s the ruin or will become the ruin of anyone’s life. There is no way that those gamblers playing on their own at casinos till late are recreational gamblers. They’re just in denial like I was. You cannot go to the casino that often and play all night or day by yourself and tell me you’re not addicted and can walk away.

Anyway, the graduation is on the 1st July. I think it would be somewhere in Belfast, may be at Ulster University. I was at Magee campus in Londonderry. But now I have the pressure to lose weight before then. Can’t let him see I let myself go.

Thanks for the publication name.

Be proud of yourself Vera. You have told your friend what would work for you, not for her. You should not feel guilty. (speak for myself) This is a terrible burden we bear and drains us emotionally, so we need time by ourselves to manage and cope and sometimes that means saying no. We’re not good at saying no. I know I’m not. Besides you are having a visitor so why would you have both at the same time ? I know the feeling as my gambling buddy drains me emotionally.

Good night, sleep tight.

Give some thought and do something you know your sister would’ve liked you to be…… gamble free, on 3rd June. We should make that our goal, never to gamble on their anniversary, out of respect.

Take care, Vera.
The best years are yet to come. Look up, not down at the storms around you…..

God bless.