I’ve had a lot on my mind today.
A few years ago I was with “him” at a cottage on a lake that he owns. When we were leaving he made a comment about how I had no shame, being there with him. At the time I blew it off, after all he had no shame-taking a woman to his summer home who wasn’t his wife.
In reflection I see a whole lot of shame.
The shame of being called a hillbilly by the neighborhood kids because my mom rarely wore shoes.
The shame of living in the dirty house where I couldn’t bring kids in because we lived in filth.
The shame of being a fat girl in a skinny girl world. There were 3 fat girls in my school, me, my friend Mary and this girl Carol. The bullying didn’t stop in the neighborhood, the nuns bullied us too, making us come in during play time and get on a scale and trying to shame us into loosing weight.
The shame of being molested by a teen family friend-and liking the attention he gave me.
The shame of boys “liking” me-as long as it was a secret-because , you know, I was the fat ugly girl at school.
The shame of being a teen mom and bride-because I thought if a man wanted to have sex with you that ment he loved you.
So to say I have no shame would be a lie.
I have had plenty of shame but the bigger issue is that all that shame took my self esteem! That in its self is the root of it all!
I guess its just time to reclaim what was stolen from me!
Time to take it back.
bettie
