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I appreciate you stopping in to leave me a message, thank you for that. 

Your question about what measures do I have in place for this week’s payday when I’m feeling so vulnerable? I am hoping there are a few things in combination that will help me through safe-guarding myself. Firstly I have self-excluded myself from the recent online casino I found with my latest relapse. And to be honest, it was not easy finding one that would accept either my bank card or email address so the self-exclusions are beginning to help. Secondly, my friends I managed to open up to last week of what I’ve been going through alone told me to message them if I don’t feel safe or feel that desperation again. And lastly, while I will have some income in my account, I live with very  little surplus and it’s all pre-allocated through my budget so I know I don’t have any room to move. 

Now that I have lost the last of my big win from last year have been feeling an overwhelming sense of relief to stop trying to protect it, make the right decisions, make it stretch places it wouldn’t stretch and the huge guilt that came with having it but feeling like I never earned it or that it was dirty money. 

I still hurt that I’ve lost it, it was my way out of my current housing situation by using it towards a deposit on a home. But I’m more determined than ever to find a way to be able to save the sum myself, and feel the huge pride in buying my home with hard work and turning my life around without luck. It’s going to take me much much longer now, but I won’t admit defeat. 

This is stressful. I know I’m not very well at the moment. The anxiety of what gambling has done to me is making me loose weight and be sleep deprived, and the loneliness I know is just a side-effect of this hideous addiction. 

I can’t wait to see my councillor this week. I really need to talk this all through. I know how disappointed he is going to be with me, and I feel the tears are finally coming. Before I damage any more of my daily relationships I know I need to let this all out and begin to work on forgiving myself and stop hating myself to be able to look at moving forward with my recovery. 

Tonight I hug my elderly dog, thankful for having a job, an income, a car that works (that I brought with my win last year), firewood to keep warm and professional help along with all of you to help me change this darkness in my life right now.

Xx pie