Thanks Steev, I appreciate your supportive comments. I am going to start making a list of the triggers I have and work out some strategies for managing them.
Have been doing a lot of thinking today, on my first day as a recovering gambling addict. I had work to distract me which was good, but had some thoughts about how I just needed to win back what I had lost. I know that’s a pipe dream. Even if I did win back what I’ve lost, I would get sucked back into that black hole and end up losing it again, and more. I also had to check my bank account to see if I got paid for something and had to see all those transactions to the online casino during the weekend. That was hard to see. The regret, guilt and shame. I have to let that go though. If I think about what I’ve lost then I’m too tempted to gamble again to try and win some of it back.
I came home from work and watched a talk on youtube, it’s called ‘problem gambling: no one wins’…it starts off a bit slow but then they have a recovered gambling addict who talks about his experiences and how it all spiraled for him and he literally lost everything. I felt for him, it obviously tore him up inside. It was helpful to be reminded about how easily gambling can spiral out of control, even to people who seemingly have a good life, and how bad it feels and all the negative effects. I think I need to be reminding myself of that whenever I am tempted to gamble “just once”. It’s never just once. It always sets me off on that same old road again.
I also looked up GA meetings in my city. There is one that I could go to, although I haven’t got in contact with them yet. I am honestly a bit scared and anxious about going and wondering if it’s the right thing for me at the moment. I don’t want the stress of going to trigger me into a relapse, however I also wonder if I’m not making excuses to avoid going. One of the things I’m worried about is that I don’t know who else will be there, what kinds of gamblers will be there? I guess the only way to find out is to attend. I can always go a couple of times and see how I feel about it.
I have also been thinking about the addiction side of it. I know some people call it “problem gambling” but for me I think it helps to think of it as an addiction. That is something I can deal with and manage, it’s an all or nothing thing, whereas “problem gambling” makes me think that there is a possibility of “responsible gambling”, which maybe there is for some people, but not for me. I have to treat this like an addiction, not just a problem.