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#4080
mermaid
Participant

Thanks Vera, you always drop by and give me the jolt. And I truly appreciate it. Ok, I get it now! I think I was getting it before, but I didn´t want to listen to myself (like the cg!!!).

I hadn´t seen him controlling his gambling in a long time….but I guess he has bouts of being able to control it a little more, a little less…to keep on gambling at different levels, but to keep on doing it somehow. He overshoots still fairly often, but by lesser amounts sometimes, knowing somehow how much he will be able to dig himself out afterwards. He has got himself into situations that have really scared him and not been able to getout of them for weeks, but they have not been enough for him to take actions to stop. They can get pretty low, but cg´s forget fast and bounce back.

Nothing much has changed. He is still doggedly holding onto the addiction. He is figuring out how he can keep it going one way or another. He uses and more words that sounds more convincing, uses more I Promises, but they don´t mean anything.

He returned very briefly to Facebook. He admitted that he had gambled the money, still saying that he didn´t want questions…ok, I understand…he doesn´t want questions, I don´t want lies.

He is being all….needy. He wanted to know when I will be getting on a flight and if I will so he can know, because. ..he is suffering so much with me dragging it out and he wants to ask the judge on Friday for permission to travel to Havana to meet me and he has to know when I am flying by Friday so he can ask him, and then he has to travel that same day as they can only release him the same day (generally, he is not allowed to leave the province during his parole period and people´s movement in general is very tightly controlled in Cuba, and especially people of descent from the east of the country – it is easy to get into trouble). So he wanted to put me on the spot, a few minutes of Facebook time. All he wants is to be with me and never leave me, etc. etc. And this just as I am realising how much he has continued to gamble. Ugh, its all so icky co-dependent. 🙁

So I told him to find a bit of money and get in touch with me tomorrow. That I will think it over and we will talk tomorrow.

I feel so tired from it all today. I am more resolved to be firm now. No more enabling. If he doesn´t want me to completely control the moneyand stick with it then there are no options for our relationship to continue. I will go back to Cuba…but I haven´t decided when yet. I want to have the conversations with him face to face and, if need be, I want to take my leave in a different way than in July. And I want to go to the beach!

I have my armour on, the drawbridge up and I don´t see an of it through rosy coloured spectacles. I may still be a bit squishy, but there are no more chances now.