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#49920
IRockVX
Participant

For me what I’m dealing with urge wise today is an urge to trigger … the urge to bet is held back but the urge to stare at prices … that’s a different ball game …

I can recall where this always leads … staring at those prices fluctuate randomly all in itself becomes an addiction … even bet isn’t placed … but it eventually leads to a bet …

they’re in fact totally boring to look at that but the compulsion and craving is to peak at look at them anyway … it kills my awareness of other things … i’m itching to step in and snoop around and just hop from market to market looking at prices … it’s moving prices that hook me … not ones that aren’t moving … it’s not price but the random changes in price that hook my brain … my eyes … my feelings … an obsessive need for it to be fluctuating and feel random/unexpected … I seem to want to close down my awareness for this in my emotions today …

“I could have done this and that” I know I’ve often thought to myself … “I could have taken that trade and that one and that one” … like piles of regret for everything I missed! It’s so strange because it’s like regretting not knowing and benefitting from exact knowledge of the future (which no one has) … what a strange thing to burden myself with and feel weighed down by … not knowing what the outcome is the vast majority of the time …

Internalized remorse and shame for not taking more random trades is false shame … a heavy energy that feels like a sickness … I feel falsely ashamed for not being far beyond human … because there’s something twisted irrational and a bit grandiose about the expectations that spin out for winning … being immersed in this world stretching back into the past has reinforced the insane notion of being all greatness or all nothing … a prodigy/always on or very low and depressed … the voice of the cravings seem to spur that type of thinking and feelings toward myself … “I’m everything or I’m nothing” …

Those urges do seem tied to the voice of the “persona” of the addiction … which I perceive as a madman to be honest … the spirit of gambling is the spirit of a madman … who thinks he’s invincible and has every intention of guaranteed destruction … It’s like creating total control and certainty through guaranteeing loss …

There is a deeper feeling of immediate control in the ability to create and guarantee loss … it is much easier to guarantee loss than it is to guarantee gain in life …

I do feel there is part of me that resonates with that deep desire to feel in control … and that guaranteeing my loss guarantees a feeling of control … so the twisted thing is there is this perception of control of a fowl kind that spins out from this obsession that spins out of control …

The addiction feels like the voice of anger, pushiness, control, impatience, controlling, and detached …

It’s like that “persona” gets thrills and kicks out of the control of guaranteeing loss … and stepping into situations with guaranteed loss … it’s a thrill of watching me suffer and the thrill of being in total control of it … or suggesting it has total control … of taking control away from me/my other interests …

The control of the voice of this addiction to force me into loss and push those feelings of enjoying losing/feeling pain … going numb to everything … it is slipping.

It can feel dark and scary to share the depths of distortion that this monster really is, but it’s a deep dive into truth itself … and enormously therapeutic …

Stealing control and energy of engagement and emotional connection to people and places I care about more … let’s dig deep and watch that slip …

There are smiles of real joy underneath that madness … and life is getting better one day at a time.