nomore 56

Thank you both for your encouragement, Ell and Twilight. Since I have been looking for the what and why for a long time now, I have “taken apart” my life. The whole thing started really early. My parents were and still are very unemotional, no wonder, they grew up during the war in Germany. There was no expression of love ever, just survival was important in many ways for us. My mom told me that even though she tried, she could not get close to me. I started very early to refuse physical contact and there is no real reason for this. I was not abused in any way and my sister, who grew up in the same environment is a completely different person than I. I am aware of all the things that might explain my personality, big and small. But it never added up. I used to compare it with a severed spinal cord, no connection between my brain and my feelings. The thing is that I cannot even imagine how it would be to feel what others feel. I don’t grasp the concepts at all. That’s why I want to find out what is actually going on. I know my good sides very well and also my flaws and shortcomings and today my attitude is take it or leave it. I’m fine with either one. Everything is black or white, yes or no, no gray areas, no compromises. I love logic and common sense and cannot understand why others don’t see things this way, because it is so logical for me. It might very well be that it is just an unholy mix of genetics, upbringing and life experience. I just need to know. As for my marriage Twilight, yes, I married the man I thought he was. But there were warning signs I chose to ignore. Very early on I realized that my hb didn’t like to tell the truth about a lot of things. I didn’t know about the gambling back then but for the first time in my life I decided to ignore the gut feeling I had and my brain telling me that this is not good. I had a choice in the very beginning to just call it quits and didn’t do it. When I found out about the gambling, I continued to just live with the madness cz I had no clue how bad this addiction really is. There were plenty of times when I could have prevented myself from being dragged to the place I am in right now. And deep down inside I knew that there was something really bad coming my way. Can’t explain it, I just knew. One thing I did right was raising my daughter. She grew up to be a very delightful and good person. She graduated from college and has a good job. She knows that she can rely on me and that I will support her. She was the reason I developed tunnel vision and just did what I had to do. I am proud of myself that I did not give in or up and did what I could for her. As for the mistake, I am not a person who should be married in the first place. Took me a while to realize that I am better off living alone. I don’t really like someone in my personal space. Live and learn. I hope that the fog will lift should I be able to convince the doctors that nothing will get better unless I get the assessment out of the way.