Dear diary,
My head tell me I need to go total abstinence from all form of acting out come 2016.
I have learned from the experience in 2015 many benefits, I have so many weakness and desires inside, and there are so many temptations outside.
Each time I deny my urge and the craving feeling, each time I resist and walk away from the temptation; it gives me the practice I need and training in real life to help me grow in strength in recovery.
At some point of time, it will no longer be about struggles and fighting the thought, resisting or white knuckle recovery, I will start to develop gratitude contentment that help me to let go with joy.
I am human, I love to indulge in selfish and self-seeking ways, it comes natural to me. From time to time, I may either drift or I may lost myself completely in the moment. I need to constantly check myself before I spiral down into another rock bottom and I need a clear mind to be able to do that..
I was selfish and irresponsible for a long time, that explain why I felt it was ok for me to be involved in gambling, I am willing to accept the risk as long as it can give me a chance to win more money even if there was risk, I knew the consequences if I lost but I just do not care.
Many times I felt that I was not stupid, I thought I was good at what I was doing, that was one of my biggest problem, I don’t think it can happen to me if I am more careful. Sometimes I had the awareness but was just very self-centered and selfish, I don’t care anymore about the consequences, I just want to act out what my mind tell me to do.
Most people would not want to be involved in any activity that has risk or bring them harm but not a gambler or addict. I only do things that give me fun, I will not do things that made me feel any struggle or hardship, stress and discomfort, many times that means saying no and stopping myself. I did what I did because I thought I was right but I was blind and cannot see.
I could not do it for myself and my love ones in the past but I found that it was easier to do it for my Higher Power.
The longest I was able to remain total abstinence from all form of acting out in 2015 was a little more than 6 months, there are tough days but It help give me a clearer mind and strength to be safe for the other 6 months in 2015.
There is a price for me to pay for a satisfying and safe 2016
it means going total abstinence or fast when the year start for me
Am I willing to do that?
I was a selfish person, I don’t sacrifice myself.
I need God to help me.
The reward is big, it help me become responsible and fulfil my obligations for rest of the year.
