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I think the hardest part is the unjustifiable anger that I feel when my husband reminds me of how much money I’ve lost. I know that I have no right being angry with him, he is the injured party, not me. He has every right to be angry and mistrusting when it comes to how I can possibly pay it back, even though I have provided the repayment schedule and made it so that my paycheques go directly into his bank account. I just feel sometimes like he’s not even giving me a chance to hope that I can climb out of this by reminding me how deep the hole really is.
I also feel spiteful anger towards people that have judged me (also unjustified), but I feel like if they don’t want me in their lives (totally understandable) then that’s fine, but once I’m out, I’m out. I don’t know that I want them back in mine.
But then I remind myself again that it is I that set the wheels in motion to get to where I am and that it will have to be me that can prove to myself and everyone else involved that I am determined to get better. It may take years but I will pay back every dime I owe. I have a plan.