nomore 56

Thank you San and Velvet for your kind words. I agree with you, Velvet, Valentine’s day is just another one of those days where we are supposed to engage in shopping sprees. It is a good example for me learning by observing what one is supposed to do I guess? Actually there are people that are wired to have few or no emotions. Or just certain ones. I have felt weird my whole life because I tried to be like all the other people, caring about others, family, friends and so on. I learned to say all the right words and do all the right things but always knew that I just played a role somehow. I have been called cold hearted many times and kept thinking something is wrong with me. Not anymore. This is who I am. I have never deliberately hurt anyone so it’s ok with me not be a loving, compassionate person. What I’m looking for right now is just an explanation. Whether it is the way I was raised in an unemotional, not very loving environment or a personality disorder of some kind will just satisfy my curiosity. I always ask for the “how” and “why” and need to understand everything intellectually. When I first learned about Asperger’s syndrom and worked with a boss who has a full-blown version of this, I felt like coming home. I have educated myself about this and it all fits. My mom even provided me with missing puzzle pieces about my early childhood. I don’t believe in self-diagnosis so I want to do a proper assessment. I will accept the outcome no matter what it is. Velvet, I do love my daughter and my dogs. To the best of my ability. But I often still feel emotionally very distant and I hurt for my child because she deserves better. But I have perfected my acting so well, that I can hide my being dead inside very well by now. And I’m ok with it. My practical approach to other non-cgs posts is the only logical one for me. I look at the posts in awe and wonder why someone would talk about loving the cg after all the hurt and pain he/she created and I cannot understand it. But I understand why I think this way and I always hope that practical stuff might help. I don’t think I ever loved my hb. I don’t know what it would feel like and my relationships were always based on other needs or whatever you want to call it. I talked to him about it and he understands me. What is left is my situation, the part that has nothing to do with people or feelings. Let’s face it, if my financial situation would be different among other things, I would be able to find some peace of mind and contentment. I don’t aim for happiness and I’m ok with that as well. The addiction has forced me to take a good look at myself and I no longer wonder what would have been if I only…..insert a variety of what I should have been or done right here….That’s a good thing. I hope this doctor will listen to me but the health care system here is very basic and pills are the answer for everything. I have to be prepared for a long battle because what I want and need is too expensive and meds are cheaper. Go figure…Have a great weekend