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Hi San.
I saw your earlier post as I was about to go out this morning and couldn’t answer immediately – now I am back and am glad to see that you have had some replies. I hope this helps you feel connected with real care and support, even if it is from ‘cyber friends’.
I agree that you have – and have had – a huge amount to cope with and some good therapy would be advisable. I hope you get some joy from seeing your doctor. I don’t know what the ‘system’ is over in your country. Here in the UK, GPs are not always able to refer with any speed or affordability – there are many well-qualified and willing counsellors and psychotherapists, but they have to work privately, as they can’t easily get employment in the health system. So people often have to look elsewhere or face a very long wait. I am aware I could sound negative here, but I am trying to offer something positive and realistic. I don’t know what your budget is if you find you have to pay for therapy, but it is always worth asking if a therapist has a ‘sliding scale’ of fees or will come to some suitable arrangement, for example, through a block advanced booking for an agreed number of sessions.
The BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) can help with choosing a therapist here and I think also internationally, through their website. Perhaps also the UKCP (UK Council for Psychotherapy). Some therapists now do online work, too – this is of course not ‘face to face’, but you book your time in the same way and write and reply in ‘real time’ and one to one. If you have difficulty finding someone locally, I am wondering if this would be a good alternative. I recently met someone offering this sort of work.
That is very sad about your sister and your own experiences after her death. I am sure it would be useful to be able to have a space to work through those painful feelings you describe, especially as you now see sibling problems in the next generation and hear self-destructive things from your young son. Things that feel particularly painful for us in the here and now can often be so, because they have a sense of ‘repetition’ about them – it is like an old wound being re-opened.
I hope you find the help you need. You have determination within, even though you struggle, and this will serve you well.
Always wishing you well.