Today was hellish. I gave in to my addiction. All those plans I had in place those well meaning intentions went flying out of the window. I gambled. And I lost. Thats the hard facts. I had given myself reasons to gamble. Surly I could not loose.
I lost not only the money but time that could have been spent working and earning. And I lost myself again. Back to square one. So I need an action plan. It is really a matter of either overcoming this addiction or ending everything. I said that at the start of this new journey and that still holds true.
I understand about all the blocks. Not have access to cards / software to stop us visiting casinos online but for very personal reasons these are not an option for me. I have do this from inside from within. This is as much about total lifestyle change as it is getting a whole new perspective and mind set. I am at the point almost of no return.
Today yet again I failed as a father. I could have bought a ticket to see my Son who lives abroad. I did not. I gambled. So what is my plan and what is outcome I would really want ?
The outcome has to be to be able to live comfortably with the knowledge that I am a compulsive gambler who can never gamble. To be in control of the addiction. One day to be able to beat it fully. To be able to live a life of relative peace. Without sleepless nights, without going hungry because everything was gambled. To pay the rent ontime instead of dreaming up new lies to tell the landlord why they have not been paid. To look at myself in the mirror and say “you know what I am ok”.
The “Action” plan :
Write in my journal whenever I feel I need to. Even when I really feel I need to gamble.
Call the helplines when I feel the urge.
Call the helplines to begin to try make sense of my what I am feeling. This I will be starting tomorrow morning.
To learn more about this addiction , why and how it effects people. Knowledge I know is power if used in the correct way.
To gain better understanding of what being a CG is through reading what others are going through and where I can offer support and encouragement. In giving we also get so much back.
And finally to be as honest and as open as I can with people online and off that I am a compulsive gambler but a CG who is fully aware that he has NO option but to stop and stay stopped.
I am not going to feel sorry for myself. I am not going to waste energy beating myself up that I relapsed today. I have to again start to be positive about the future. I will not allow this addiction to beat me. So I take what I did on the chin. I accept I gave in to my urges. And again I am right back here at the starting point. Day 1 tomorrow which I hope will turn into day 2 and so on.
And finally I am going to immerse myself in work. I work from home – alone – but with the opportunity to effect what kind of income I bring in on a weekly basis. When I am gambling I earn nothing. Zero. So the hit is a double blow. Losses on both sides. I feel determined and strange I feel strong. Which I know can sound screwed up but I think of my son. I think of my family. I think of myself. I can not keep letting these people down.