Dear diary,
Like I say many times in here, my recovery was not perfect.
At 10pm last night, I wanted to watch the news report on Paris, I switched the TV channel, it was the first time I took control of the TV for the day, I never expected my 85 years old mum to yell at me to keep the volume down.
The yelling was a big trigger to me, I felt very unhappy and angry, but I kept quiet and walk away, got changed and leave the house immediately. I wanted to grab some drinks to numb myself, if I had not ban myself, I would have love to use the slot machine to kill a few hours..
Many things crossed my mind, it brings back many familiar painful and unhappy feelings inside me, I can feel that familiar feeling of deep resentment with my mum going as far back as 30 years ago.
Last night, I was very angry, I remember many times 30 years ago when I was successful, she was always saying things that was sharp, painful and triggering. I could not manage the pain and it sabotage me, I press the self-destructive button, I really spend a lot of money numbing myself, leaving home looking for relief and comfort in all the wrong places.
Today, I thought maybe she don’t know how to cope with me when I am doing well. In recovery, they call these people co-dependent, they are so used to us dependent on them for everything, and when we are no more dependent on them, they are suddenly lost, after so many years, it has become a habit for her but I cannot stand any unreasonable yelling.
I ask myself, am I going to destroy my hard earned sobriety because of this. Am I going to allow it to happen, I am now in automatic and compulsive mode, I am already in the process of acting out but It seem to have slow down because of my recovery, that saves me.
At 10pm, only the drinking holes and gambling joints are open for business, they are the top 2 things to do in my list but my self- exclusion ban from the casino and slot machine joints limit my choices to one. While I am deciding in my head what to do, I am already on the way and moving.
I hear a clear message inside my head, the devil is using my mum to attack me, it know and is attacking my weakness, the devil is working very hard and making sure I fall.
On the other hand, I hear another message, I have changed in many areas and no longer the same person from the past anymore, I have a God now who walk beside me, I am no more alone. I wants to follow Christ, am I going to follow my self-will on this night, the answer was an obvious one.
I love a good body massage, and it will kill an hour or two, who doesn’t love to pamper themselves, it is what I like and want to do. With my small earning now, it is a very costly and not advisable thing to do. On top of that, it is likely to end with an indecent offer. This is what I want to do but when I check myself, am I pursuing a selfish and self-seeking way, the answer was an obvious one.
I had not made up mind yet, but I do have another barrier in the bag I learn and pick up from other recovering person, I took a bus ride to nowhere. When I reach the other end, I drop off the bus and stand in the middle of no-where. By this time, I have decided and made up my mind what to do. It was time to go home and I can watch some biblical youtube clips when I reach home. After I got on another bus and reach home, I have killed 2.5 hours. I didn’t say anything to mum when I reach home, I just go straight to my room and surf the net, before the movie end, I fell asleep.
Am I feeding my addiction or my recovery?
The devil was working very hard, the resentment feelings and voice was replaying in my head and growing stronger every time I think about it. In between there is another voice telling me my Lord is with me, have no fear, I will be fine, I remember to talk to God how I feel and pray. God knows what is on my mind, I pray to God to lead me to do the right thing.
I woke up today, all the resentful and negative feeling I had yesterday has disappear. I was clean for another day.
Jesus Christ was my savior. Thank you God.
