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nomore 56

Thx for your reply. When I made the decision to free myself of the addiction, I did so because I had reached rock bottom many times over. At that point I honestly believe that one of us would have ended up dead, had I not drawn the line. I tried not to look back and just hope for the best. My hb started his true recovery and we became friends out of necessity. It worked for us. Unfortunately the past stuck to us like gum on a shoe because my hb was now a convicted felon with a huge restitution to pay. Moving on or forward is not an option because of that, or rather not the way we wanted to. So after yrs of struggling, disappointments and crushed hopes we finally thought we had found a solution. Now this is out of reach as well even if the sx goes well. I won’t go into that, too complicated. Should I be on my own, there is not much money available. And no, there are not military benefits I can apply for as the wife of a medically retired hb. I am totally aware that I am a complicated, difficult, odd, weird, whatever you want to call it, person. I have given up trying to be someone I am not just because others want me to be like them and see the world through their eyes. The bottom line for me is, that if my life becomes just survival, I am not too interested anymore. That is how I grew up and that is what I NEVER wanted for myself. I do come from a completely different culture and some things here just don’t do it for me. Doesn’t matter. What I meant was that if I had had all the info and insight re. gambling addiction back when I first found out about it, I would have run. It was never my decision to live with it for as long as I did. When my hb relapsed after 11 yrs of not gambling, I had ended up here with no way out. In many ways. I had no choice but to hang in there until the day I thought I could finally kick him out. Which I did. Had we still lived back home, I still couldn’t have made him leave because of the finances. Trust me, I played it through in my head over and over again. Anywho, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, I really appreciate it.