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#38361
Monica1
Participant

Thanks I did it. When we are rock bottom and down there any attack hits us at our core. For me when I know I have not a huge amount of support, and certainly very little emotional support,it is awful when someone says my ex is using me and my children don’t care. But how much support should we expect. I have ever had emotional support from my ex, he is a mans man and just does t function in that way. He sleeps on the floor in my front room. But he cooks meals, just gave me a tenner and some cigs. So to me that is support, maybe practical support but without that I would not be alive right is, But I am aware that we both have to move on, this is what the attack showed me, that I was ga bling free with no urges when away from home. My ex still loves me in his own way but not in the way that I need and going nearly 6 years with no physical closeness or emotional support is tantamount to torture for me, so I really have to look at that. It is something that is very important to me as I like to express but there is nowhere to do it, outlet. So I tried to destroy myself through gambling thinking to not be around would be the solution. That is insane but it comes from a place of deep loneliness and existential grief. I tried to move to my daughters by the coast but they did not have the room, and that was a big blow for me which triggered what will all the final relapse and self destruct. I even took a contract that was near to where they lived but the job was totally the wrong backward minded culture for me to work in. My middle son has a gambling habit it has been there at the worsted you relapses but has kept away for the past couple of weeks because he is also broke, Myeldest rings me every ten days or so and says if I need shopping he will do it. But he is unemployed for some months after full employment a bit like me. His girlfriend who has just started university hadtihsve a termination of pregnancy recently because neither have the capacity or living environment to bring s child into the world. Everyone is dealing with their own stuff. So how much support should we expect? My family are not used to seeing me completely fall apart, well certainly not in my pre gambling and it’s like they dont really believe it. It’s weird. Friends of mine in the nineties committed suicide and within of them I am still not totally,over it. It was a desert for both of them. O eu derstod the depth of their despair. I know if I did the same my family would ask themselves could I have done more? And the answer would sadly be yes, they could have done a huge amount more. That hurts. Have slept for very long periods and still a little tearful. But ok. Did not call my sponsor as I think he is facing some issues at the moment,