I have no problem with any of your words, I am more put off by the thought of you jumping on me !
When I first read your reply I was tempted to have a look at that post but have decided not to, neither will I read again anything else I have written at least not soon.
I do not see myself as being out of the woods and for me to look back to far I believe at the moment would be to my own detriment. I do not want to find myself in a situation where I begin to look at what could have happened differently, what I could have done differently, what I would do differently, if I gave it just another go – are you with me.
For me to do that would be the start of bad news to come. I cannot allow myself entry to the ‘what could have been route’. I think what I need to do is carry on going. I made a promise to myself and his lordship that I will not look back on this relaitionship and I will stick to it unless I choose to draw on my experience for other reasons.
I am stuck with a large puddle of residue from seeping wounds, namely a big dollop of distrust of others, but if i don’t get out there and make the best of today how is that ever going to change ? If it doesn’t change it can be made more bearable.
The alternatives are worse, dwelling on it all, moping around (not that I have time any more) is bad for me, filling my head with maybes and questions that can’t be answered is just no good for me.
Yes you are right – a lot of my replies allow me to work out my own stuff and that works for me, it particularly reminds me not to do any of the above !! and to make sure i really do look after me – hindsight becomes foresight for me – strangely, but just as long as i am careful.
Often I force myself to do things in the looking after me department not only because of what has happened but because of the daily hassles of work, family and just life taking over.
Like last night, my brother and his mates are all up from London so I was roped in to going out with them, didn’t want to but ended up having a great night. Today they are dragging me around the pubs before forcing me to go to a football match ( can’t stand football ) but I know I will do a lot more laughing than sulking so i’m going !!
I have had a really good Christmas and so have the boys, i’ve been out a lot with friends and enjoyed it, vegged out without dwelling and really just got on with it.
I thought i might have had an ‘there’s an empty place at the table’ feeling but it was just a thought more so than a feeling, followed by a thought of ‘that being through his choice for the addiction’ enough said.
So yes on the whole things are settled and good and if I keep doing what i’m doing they can only get better. I am far from being on the floor because i know my limits (finally). I no longer give what I haven’t got.
So back to work tomorrow. I have been off for two weeks which is why you will have seen a lot of me.
Do not worry, I know where you and everyone else are and have a great support network. 2014 for me will be about carrying on going forward and not looking back on the ‘could have beens’ they weren’t and that’s it.