I have not posted in awhile, and neither has anyone else. What’s up with us F&Fs?!
So now it’s hard to post for some reason … out of practice I guess. I could kick myself for not posting. It always helps me to keep things somewhat sorted in my head, and the encouragement and input from all of you is sometimes the best thing that happens to me in a day.
I log on here 3 or 4 times a day to see if anyone else is posting because I genuinely care about your recovery journeys – and I figure most of you feel like I do about posting on this site. I (we?) have a long way to go in my recovery, and I know I need this site for support – and to grow and learn by supporting others.
So anyway, since I posted about my husband’s wreck, he has been home on medical leave (at my request) due to a compression fracture in one of his lumbar vertebrae. Not much can be done about it. It will take 3 months to heal with rest, taking it easy and no heavy lifting. I knew that wouldn’t happen, so I asked if it would be better if my husband didn’t go back to work just yet. The doctor agreed, so he is not released to work until his next appointment on November 6th.
I have to believe all this has happened for a reason … a real chance for my husband to break free of this addiction. I didn’t have to text HIM that day from the doctor’s office. My sister would have come and stayed with me, or my best friend… but I texted HIM.
Part of me wanted to know if he cared enough to come home … if he would come rushing to my side in time of need. To be honest, I think I actually wanted to be sick enough to scare the crap out of him – and thought that would somehow make him suddenly realize how important I am to him; that he didn’t want to continue to destroy our marriage. I feel somewhat guilty about his wreck and for asking him to come home, but even that emotion is stifled by the addiction.
Such irrational, selfish thinking in my little pity party – I know better. I’ve just been getting impatient wanting things to change – wanting HIM to change.
Anyway, I told him I feel like this is our best and possibly only opportunity to get this thing turned around, and he seems to feel the same way, just not as intensely as I do – as usual.
We’ve talked and realize that we both want our marriage to survive and to do that he has to get a job here, and we have to get some counseling. He, of course needs therapy for his CG addiction, I need counseling for a host of issues, and WE need couples counseling to see if there is a marriage to save. Our first appointment is in the morning. I will be praying tonight that the counselor is right for us.
What a mess we are! It’s so strange to have all this rumbling underneath the surface, and yet we go out with friends, visit with family, go shopping … sometimes I just shake my head.
I am hoping for the best tomorrow but trying not to expect too much.
Hope to see some of your posts soon.