Yeah I know ..Harry . It kinda clicked with me when i read mickys reply …I kinda thought the difference between us is that the people who are honest are more likely to be in recovery, but was too pig headed to write it like that.
I agree with you Harry also that I am feeling attacked … But I do realise this is a symptom of my addiction progressing further. I know I have been ungrateful to those who have been helping me ( sorry Charles !!) but I guess I want that magic pill. I can’t believe at times that this is me … Me who got a third level education despite the odds being stacked against me , who got a great job despite having no contacts in the “educated” world .. I have achieved so much … (Sorry for blowing my own trumpet – we all have) and this is bringing me to my knees..
My continued failures are making me bitter, resentful.my ever increasing desire to gamble and risk it all ( I am very close to that place )is making me feel hopeless , useless.
I don’t know ..
I am going to spend a lot on these blockers and gambling barriers . I am going to explore residential treatment ..
I owe it to myself to put the same determination, “ambition “, drive , energy, hope , self -belief into beating this .
I don’t feel hopeful… But I am trying to convince myself !!