Yesterday I thought a lot about putting on a bet, just one bet but one big enough that if I won then this would all over with. I’d be “up” again, I’d pay back the money I owed and then never gamble again. Roulette is what I loved and could spend 18 hours a day with it on in the background, innocently placing bets while I went about normal life. Live casino on my phone in the background while I washed dishes, did laundry, cooked dinner etc. I used to think I could see a pattern in which colour would come next. Red / Black then Red again etc. I would be so sure that I’d put down huge amounts of money over and over again.
Thankfully I didn’t place that bet, I came on here and continued to read about everyone’s different journey. I asked myself “ do I have £XXXX to lose?” How would I fee if I lost £XXXX? And “What would i think of someone just stole £XXXX from my bank account”. Even before writing this post I thought about that bet. It’s eating away at me.
I will be strong. I never want to feel like i did 4 days ago & I need to keep reminding myself of that. There are NO winners, and even if I won, I know deep down that money would never leave my account but instead I’d convince myself of another reason that I’d have to bet again just one one time and then I’d lose. I do love myself and my family more than winning.