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Yesterday, two things happened that might have triggered this.

– I lost 80 euro. Not at a casino but from my pocket. Or I had put them somewhere and don’t know where. I tried to let it go and did in a way.

– I gathered some strength to go out and meet some friends and everyone had asked me where I had been since I had been very withdrawn lately. I told them I was feeling very depressed mostly about work and life in general. Everyone was supportive but one friend. She told me that I had no right to be depressed since I have a well paying job and I’m not homeless. Luckly, I didn’t tell her about my gambling problem. She told me that I have always been a little depressed, ever since she’s known me and that I always bother her with my same old issues. I didn’t see it that way, because I hide my issues and don’t talk about them. I felt she was very harsh. When I tried to object, I was asked by her what kind of a friendship is ours if she’s not allowed to speak her mind. I had no fight in me, so I just left it at that. I’ve decided to keep away from her until I start feeling better.

My depression is worrying me even more than my gambling. I’m so sick of living the same cycle over and over again. I feel like for the first time in my life, I’m loosing control and letting things slip. It’s like I have no fight in me left. I so desperately want my problems to go away.